Well we've lost the first battle but not the war, & though the title suggests such I'm not entirely sure this victory goes to the ovaries because I'm not yet sure which side they're on.
Tonight I'm as defeated as I've ever been. It's difficult to write this blog about infertility and spare the graphic details so I'm not going to try to do that. Today marks the 19th day I've been menstruating. 19 days of disappointment and tampons, failed ovulation tests and desperate pleas to The Lord. 19 days of hoping, praying and feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually drained.
My magic pills didn't work. I haven't ovulated and I won't be a mom in 9 months. And now, because of the 19 day period, I'm on estrogen to stop it & inhibit ovulation...see why I'm discouraged?
At this point I'd be happy just to feel normal.
I'm consumed with thoughts of pale pink and baby blue, diapers, first days of school, learning to ride bikes, first kisses and proms, and hopes and dreams Ill actually get to have these things with my precious, perfect miracle. And I'm broken over the thought that this may not happen.
I'm on hormone overload and I may curse or cry at any given moment, and my hemoglobin is in the pits because of the super period, which leaves me pale and physically weak. My hair is dry and coarse and my acne replenishes overnight. I've also got some terrible cramps and a shooting pain on my right side. I'm a mess.
Next cycle (assuming this one EVER ends) we are increasing the dosage of my Femara (magic ovulation pills) in hopes that Ill finally ovulate. I'm also ready for another appointment, because I want labs and imaging studies and SOMETHING that will help determine what is going on. Blindly "treating" the problem is clearly not working. I'm frustrated and so unbelievably sad. Filled with longing for a person I have never met. Someone I may never meet. I don't know myself anymore.
I'm sorry to share my burden the day after Thanksgiving when I should be happy and thankful for the things I DO have, rather than wishing for the things I don't. But this is where I am. Thanks, as always, for your prayers & overwhelming support. I AM thankful for each of you in my support system.
Hannah
Friday, November 29, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Femara for Fertility FTW.
Hello friends! It's your favorite crazy baby lady here, and we've reached yet another leg of our TTC (trying to conceive) journey this week! I'd like to back track a second & give you my input on progesterone and all that has happened since I last blogged...
Progesterone kicks Zzzquil's butt! Where was this stuff when I was trying to sleep all day & survive night shift?!? Best sleep I've had in years. And sexy dreams to boot! Nothing about this journey is really appropriate for sharing, I'm talking about my reproductive organs after all, so I figured I'd take a no holds bar approach and give it all I've got. There are certainly downsides to the progesterone though, like this SUPER CUTE acne I've developed. I had beautiful (pasty) skin as a teenager and suddenly I'm a hormone infested twenty-something with acne. A little positive note about that is the fact that my patients think I'm younger than 26 & today two different high school students thought I was a student as well. Acne FTW! I'm also mind-blowingly moody, but that isn't much of an outlier from my normal. I've done a significan amount of crying, especially work-related crying, and have even thrown a few temper tantrums. All for the pursuit of a little one who will own me when it comes to crying & tantrums!!
The most significant and positive outcome of progesterone is that I finally had a cycle!! YES! How many women do you know that are excited about that? I am thrilled! And so is everyone I've told. It's amazing how many people have shown up in support of us & who feel comfortable enough to discuss this with me. Just last Friday at a football game my dear father-in-law (father of 2 men, likely not interested in my gynecological pursuits) asked if I was ovulating! Haha! If you knew him you just laughed out loud with me. It cracked me up & touched my heart simultaneously. I may or may not be tearing up just thinking about it, but I'm a hormonal wreck so I'm allowed to do that.
Now, since Saturday evening, I've been taking Femara 2.5mg. This is the magic little pill that will hopefully stimulate my tiny ovaries & provide us with 1/2 of Baby Lipsey's DNA. Please, Lord, let this work! I'll be taking it through Wednesday evening & will begin ovulation tests on Thursday morning in addition to cervical fluid and basal body temperature monitoring in an attempt to pinpoint ovulation. The Femara has caused me no nasty side effects thus far. I was told I may have hot flashes, dizziness, and worsening mood swings, but fortunately I've been fine. I pray I continue to be side effect free, but if it will bring me a child I'll take all the hot flashes, dizzy spells, tears, anger and acne I can get it! Bring it on endocrine system, I never really liked you anyway!
For further assistance, I also purchased a delightful product from Walgreen's called PreSeed. I cannot stop laughing about it which may prove I'm an adolescent at heart myself, but the whole thing just sounds ridiculous. This is supposed to enhance sperm motility and if it doesn't help you get that big fat positive there's a money back guarantee! I figured it couldn't hurt, but it was a little bit embarassing to purchase. The box says, "Seriously fun baby making!" in big, bold letters. It felt like the box literally shouted, "Attention Walgreens Shoppers, I'm engaging in coitus to make a baby and I would love for everyone to know that!" I suppose that's essentially what I'm doing by posting my story on a public forum, but at least you can't see my face while I'm sharing the ins and outs of my reproductive organs.
Anyway, that's where we stand. I've had many of my infertility sisters (and yes, I consider them sisters we're in an unseen battle together) receive devastating news this week & it is so hard to see people I love so much in pain. We know that God has a plan & that He works for OUR good, but it is so difficult to watch. I ask that you continue to pray for me & these beautiful people touched by this hardship.
And lastly a big, whopping THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for loving us through this, for praying with us and for the countless emails, texts, and facebook messages I've received since I first spoke of this. Your support means the world to us & I have never felt more loved in my life.
Still loving someone who doesn't yet exist,
Hannah
Progesterone kicks Zzzquil's butt! Where was this stuff when I was trying to sleep all day & survive night shift?!? Best sleep I've had in years. And sexy dreams to boot! Nothing about this journey is really appropriate for sharing, I'm talking about my reproductive organs after all, so I figured I'd take a no holds bar approach and give it all I've got. There are certainly downsides to the progesterone though, like this SUPER CUTE acne I've developed. I had beautiful (pasty) skin as a teenager and suddenly I'm a hormone infested twenty-something with acne. A little positive note about that is the fact that my patients think I'm younger than 26 & today two different high school students thought I was a student as well. Acne FTW! I'm also mind-blowingly moody, but that isn't much of an outlier from my normal. I've done a significan amount of crying, especially work-related crying, and have even thrown a few temper tantrums. All for the pursuit of a little one who will own me when it comes to crying & tantrums!!
The most significant and positive outcome of progesterone is that I finally had a cycle!! YES! How many women do you know that are excited about that? I am thrilled! And so is everyone I've told. It's amazing how many people have shown up in support of us & who feel comfortable enough to discuss this with me. Just last Friday at a football game my dear father-in-law (father of 2 men, likely not interested in my gynecological pursuits) asked if I was ovulating! Haha! If you knew him you just laughed out loud with me. It cracked me up & touched my heart simultaneously. I may or may not be tearing up just thinking about it, but I'm a hormonal wreck so I'm allowed to do that.
Now, since Saturday evening, I've been taking Femara 2.5mg. This is the magic little pill that will hopefully stimulate my tiny ovaries & provide us with 1/2 of Baby Lipsey's DNA. Please, Lord, let this work! I'll be taking it through Wednesday evening & will begin ovulation tests on Thursday morning in addition to cervical fluid and basal body temperature monitoring in an attempt to pinpoint ovulation. The Femara has caused me no nasty side effects thus far. I was told I may have hot flashes, dizziness, and worsening mood swings, but fortunately I've been fine. I pray I continue to be side effect free, but if it will bring me a child I'll take all the hot flashes, dizzy spells, tears, anger and acne I can get it! Bring it on endocrine system, I never really liked you anyway!
For further assistance, I also purchased a delightful product from Walgreen's called PreSeed. I cannot stop laughing about it which may prove I'm an adolescent at heart myself, but the whole thing just sounds ridiculous. This is supposed to enhance sperm motility and if it doesn't help you get that big fat positive there's a money back guarantee! I figured it couldn't hurt, but it was a little bit embarassing to purchase. The box says, "Seriously fun baby making!" in big, bold letters. It felt like the box literally shouted, "Attention Walgreens Shoppers, I'm engaging in coitus to make a baby and I would love for everyone to know that!" I suppose that's essentially what I'm doing by posting my story on a public forum, but at least you can't see my face while I'm sharing the ins and outs of my reproductive organs.
Anyway, that's where we stand. I've had many of my infertility sisters (and yes, I consider them sisters we're in an unseen battle together) receive devastating news this week & it is so hard to see people I love so much in pain. We know that God has a plan & that He works for OUR good, but it is so difficult to watch. I ask that you continue to pray for me & these beautiful people touched by this hardship.
And lastly a big, whopping THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for loving us through this, for praying with us and for the countless emails, texts, and facebook messages I've received since I first spoke of this. Your support means the world to us & I have never felt more loved in my life.
Still loving someone who doesn't yet exist,
Hannah
Friday, November 1, 2013
Here Goes Progesterone!
Dear Baby Lipsey,
Its your mom here. It's Georgia/Florida weekend, which will one day be a big deal for you, but this GA/FL weekend is a big deal around here for another reason entirely. Today we finally, officially begin taking steps to bring you into the world. Today your crazy mama (it's best you know I'm crazy from the beginning, you'll still have to listen to me & do what I say anyway) starts taking progesterone! I'll spare you the details on what this will do to my body (I'm going to avoid discussing the birds and the bees with you until the last possible second), but these are the pills I get to take right before I start taking the magic pills that will help me bring you into the world! I am so excited I almost couldn't wait until today to start taking them!
This week I've been really buckling down on things I can do to get you here. I'm taking some delicious gummy vitamins, and because I've realized how good they taste I promise to always buy you gummies and not the disgusting, chalky Flintstones vitamins that your strange Aunt Tab always ate when we were kids. Those things are awful and I'll spare you that injustice if I'm able. I've also been charting my temperature and other things that will help me track my cycles and help me to know when you'll be on your way. Again, I'll spare you the details until you're significantly older and won't be completely freaked out by them.
We are praying so hard for you still, just like we have been all along. I started praying for you when I married your daddy. He laughed when I admitted it for the first time, we were still trying NOT to have you yet at that point, but I have always been praying for you. For your health and for you to grow up as a child of God, knowing how much He loves you. My prayers haven't changed much aside from adding in some begging for you to come along and asking for grace and peace as we wait for you. I pray for your daddy too, because waiting for you is a huge struggle for me and I know he hates watching me cry for you. He's impatient when it comes to waiting for you too, but he's much more laid back and calm than I am. I really, really hope you get his personality...& his looks, he's quite the good looking fellow after all.
Even more than your one-day parents, you have so many people praying for you! You're already a facebook legend I think, and I hope you don't find that (or this blog) too lame when you're old enough to read them. You are loved by so many people who simply cannot wait to meet you.
So here's to you, Baby Lipsey, as I force this huge progesterone pill down my throat and pray that all of this works this time. I know you are worth the wait.
Love,
Your Mama
This letter was proofread & ok'd by your old man (you'll probably call him Daddy) & your Aunt Tab who is excellent at crying & praying with us!
Its your mom here. It's Georgia/Florida weekend, which will one day be a big deal for you, but this GA/FL weekend is a big deal around here for another reason entirely. Today we finally, officially begin taking steps to bring you into the world. Today your crazy mama (it's best you know I'm crazy from the beginning, you'll still have to listen to me & do what I say anyway) starts taking progesterone! I'll spare you the details on what this will do to my body (I'm going to avoid discussing the birds and the bees with you until the last possible second), but these are the pills I get to take right before I start taking the magic pills that will help me bring you into the world! I am so excited I almost couldn't wait until today to start taking them!
This week I've been really buckling down on things I can do to get you here. I'm taking some delicious gummy vitamins, and because I've realized how good they taste I promise to always buy you gummies and not the disgusting, chalky Flintstones vitamins that your strange Aunt Tab always ate when we were kids. Those things are awful and I'll spare you that injustice if I'm able. I've also been charting my temperature and other things that will help me track my cycles and help me to know when you'll be on your way. Again, I'll spare you the details until you're significantly older and won't be completely freaked out by them.
We are praying so hard for you still, just like we have been all along. I started praying for you when I married your daddy. He laughed when I admitted it for the first time, we were still trying NOT to have you yet at that point, but I have always been praying for you. For your health and for you to grow up as a child of God, knowing how much He loves you. My prayers haven't changed much aside from adding in some begging for you to come along and asking for grace and peace as we wait for you. I pray for your daddy too, because waiting for you is a huge struggle for me and I know he hates watching me cry for you. He's impatient when it comes to waiting for you too, but he's much more laid back and calm than I am. I really, really hope you get his personality...& his looks, he's quite the good looking fellow after all.
Even more than your one-day parents, you have so many people praying for you! You're already a facebook legend I think, and I hope you don't find that (or this blog) too lame when you're old enough to read them. You are loved by so many people who simply cannot wait to meet you.
So here's to you, Baby Lipsey, as I force this huge progesterone pill down my throat and pray that all of this works this time. I know you are worth the wait.
Love,
Your Mama
This letter was proofread & ok'd by your old man (you'll probably call him Daddy) & your Aunt Tab who is excellent at crying & praying with us!
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| Here we go! |
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