Caught Me Off-Guard Again

Last Tuesday I had my awesome doctor's appointment, which ended with a promise to call with lab results and a follow up appointment. I paced around and waited as long as I could, but I finally broke down to call the office today. I was completely unconcerned...I have beautiful ovaries, a nice healthy-looking uterus, and no red flags pointing to thyroid problems. Healthy lady parts all around.

The nurse I spoke to was beyond nice (is this an inappropriate time to say, "hire me please?!") and started off with, "Well your prolactin levels and TSH levels are great, but..." WHAT?! There's a but? But I'm healthy? But I'm fine and everything LOOKS fine?! "But your LH and FSH ratio shows that you have polycystic ovarian syndrome."

Ever feel like you've been socked in the gut by words alone?

The strangest part was that this was the diagnosis I had been expecting all along. I had imagined myself feeling great relief with this diagnosis because we would finally have something to treat. But here I was sitting in bed with Harry Potter in hand trying not to cry. WHERE'S YOUR SPELL FOR FERTILITY, POTTER?! I kept it together long enough to make a follow up (1/30 at 1:30, easy to remember), then I hung up and felt sorry for myself. That soon gave way to pure teeth-baring anger.

Last March I had 4 labs drawn by GYN #2. Had she drawn one more lab at that time she'd have seen my LH/FSH ratio indicated PCOS and I would've been diagnosed then. I could have a baby in my arms or in my uterus right now, and that makes me red-hot with fury.

I've had a good cry and done some research, and now we're back to the waiting game. I know it's all in God's plan and my gift will come in HIS time, but the waiting is so hard. Restore me, Lord, and help me to see this as a leap forward instead of focusing so hard on the past.

Thanks, as always, for your support. And HUGE thanks to my pregnant best friend for being ready to kick GYN #2's butt, and to my friend Ashley for walking this journey and picking me up off the floor today. I love you all. Now bear with me as I overwhelm your news and pinterest feeds with PCOS information.

Let the PCOS games begin,
Hannah

Only Hate the Road When You're Missing Home

...& I've really been hating the road here lately, for the past 2 years or so. Plus I just love that Let Her Go song & wanted to use the lyrics in the title.

9 years ago in August I left my home with my best friend Keisha & my mom crying in the driveway and followed my dad to a brand new life in Athens. I was scared to death and didn't even know how to get to Athens on my own, but I was so excited and even more sure I would never, ever be back.

I spent four amazing years at the flagship university of this great state (GO DAWGS!), wasting time & money on a degree I wouldn't use, and meeting some of my best friends and the love of my life. After that I spent a year in Douglas teaching, then married the most wonderful man I've ever known which was followed by a move to Thomasville where we've been for 3 1/2 years now. I have loved Thomasville and my family that lives here, but the time has come for a change.

I am terribly excited to finally get to announce that WE ARE MOVING HOME!! I've known for approximately 8 months now, but because of employers and what not we've been keeping it a secret. Do you know how hard that is for an over-sharer like myself!?

To answer a few questions, no we don't have jobs and no we don't know where we are living. We aren't even sure what city we're headed to, just somewhere in the northwest Georgia Chatsworth/Dalton area. I have very few details, but I couldn't hold it in any longer and Tyler said I could tell! Please pray for us and with us as we try to nail down the finer points of our relocation, especially our future employment situations. If you know of anybody in the northwest GA/TN area looking for a fabulous nurse and super hot band director let us know!

We're comin' for ya, Chatsworth!
Hannah

Not Quite Answers

It's strange to me that as we get older the things we used to dread sometimes become the things we look forward to most. As you likely know, I had another GYN appointment yesterday. I used to HATE going to the gynie with all that I had. The sheer thought of the cold, silver speculum sent shivers down my spine and I canceled my first-ever appointment at least 4 different times before I finally went. My mom gave me a very descriptive account of what to expect prior to going that first time, and I just couldn't wrap my mind around ever needing to know the information that my first gynecologist was seeking--my how a few years changes things!

I had a countdown going for weeks prior to my appointment yesterday. I had seen my doctor before, twice in college for annual exams, but never for any pressing issues. I knew she was a blessing to me then, but she exceeded my expectations far greater than I can even put into words. THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS DOCTOR! I am so grateful for her patience, her skill, and her willingness to admit that she serves the Great Physician.

I digress. I spent well over 30 minutes with the nurse prior to seeing the doctor. The nurse performed an unbelievably thorough assessment of my past medical history (it was very similar to the one we perform on hospital admission & they asked questions my previous MDs have never asked), and then focused on my gynecological health history. Not one to leave things to the imagination, I provided her with a 2 page typed history from menarche through present, as well as my most recent lab work from 3/2013. She was impressed (someone appreciates my crazy!) After that assessment, I put on the trendiest of open-front hospital gowns and covered with a snazzy paper sheet...exam time.

I kept my shoes on (I'm not sure why I do this...maybe because I like having control over SOMETHING and nobody makes me take my shoes off), put my feet in the stirrups (I like to be ahead of the game & assume the position before I'm asked), and only then did I remember that I hadn't shaved my legs. I'll admit that I desperately glanced around the room for anything that might work to save me the embarassment, but there was nothing...even the sharps bin was empty. I apologized fervently while my doctor advised me to scoot down five times so she could get started. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. "Slide down! Just a little farther! Almost there! Ok you can stop! STOP! You're going to fall off the edge of the table into my lap!" Last part was an exaggeration, but doesn't it feel like you're going to slide your naked bum right onto your doctor's lap or the floor?!

Once she started the exam I felt like I was in some nasty horror version of Mary Poppins because she kept pulling things out of her bag of tricks (or off the sterile counter) to stick in my lady space!! There must have been about 56 different sized cotton swabs going in and out, along with the lovely scraper-thing (yes this is a medical term), and both of her hands. And this was all before she let the radiologic tech get ahold of me with the transvaginal ultrasound wand! Judging by the way she was swinging that ultrasound wand in my vaginal canal, I think the RT(R) thought I had a tiny Darth Vader in utero that she was having a light saber battle with! EASY!! If the force was with me I would be pregnant already, simmer down Jedi woman!!

I imagined the moment I saw my uterus via ultrasound to be much different. I thought I would have a nice, round belly with a cute alien-looking fetus inside, but instead I saw a lot of empty space. It felt oddly symbolic of the giant baby-shaped void I feel in my heart. The only part that went as planned was the tears in my eyes. I knew those would be there the first time I saw my precious child in utero, but I didn't know they'd show up when I saw my empty uterus on the screen. I held myself together, but it was such an accurate representation of the emptiness I feel when I think about this situation that I almost couldn't believe it.

Enough of the emotions. What I also saw was one fine lookin' uterus. And what I didn't see was endometriosis. I'm actually not sure if I would've known the difference, but no one else saw any evidence of it so I'm pretending I was knowledgeable enough to notice. I do have a very thick endometrial lining (sexy, right?) but that's because I've not had a period since November. We checked out my ovaries and saw no evidence of PCOS! Praise The Lord!! The RT(R) did mention that I had one follicle that looked like it was almost mature, meaning that just maybe I'll be ovulating soon!! Anybody want to place bets that I'll aggravate the fool out of Tyler in the meantime just in case?

At the end we drew labs, and I will go back for a follow-up on those and will likely start Provera & Clomid 50mg then. If I start Clomid I'll have to find someone here to monitor me, and I'm mostly concerned about that...I feel like the OBGYN here isn't a fan of mine because they wouldn't help me or monitor me the way I begged them to, so I don't know how they'd feel about monitoring me for another doctor.

In the meantime, Tyler gets to go to have his boys checked out to be sure he isn't shooting blanks--he is so excited!! I asked him to do a guest blog post and give his viewpoint, but he said no. I didn't really expect that to work, but one day when I'm sobbing over my stubborn ovaries he'll probably give in and do it to make me feel better. My doctor also "prescribed" for us to copulate every other day. Every. Other. Day. I'm tired just thinking about it. She said to look at it as I would any other prescription & not give myself the option to be too tired, have a headache, or be too stressed from work. Somehow this woman knows me so well already, well enough to know I'm good at making excuses, but I won't skip out on my medication or doctors orders. I wonder if not skipping orders is a nurse thing or just a regular Hannah thing? Probably a scary combination of the two.

To summarize, I'm blessed! I have one amazing doctor, a healthy uterus, two apparently healthy (although seemingly lazy) ovaries, and no PCOS or endo! Let's all pray that we can join forces and put a baby in me!! Thanks for loving me friends, I've had so many calls/texts/fb messages about yesterday I can't even process how much you've loved me. God bless you!

It's baby-making time,
Hannah

An Open Letter to my Pregnant Best Friend: You Don't Get to Stifle Your Joy

As you may have gleaned from the title or her Facebook post, my best friend is pregnant with her 2nd child! Baby Mac version 2.0 is due in September!  I'm going to be an aunt again (irrelevant that I'm of no blood relation to this family), and I am ecstatic! However, due to my rebel ovaries and barren uterus, my poor Tabitha was scared to death to tell me. Here's an excerpt from my girl's pregnancy confession:

I get it, at least half of everything I say is somehow related to my intense longing to be called mommy, and she tried to get pregnant for maybe 1/4 of the amount of time I've been trying (I don't know the actual number there, she's the one who is good at math), and as hard as it has been for me to get pregnant, it's been just that easy for her. I know we aren't the first duo to tackle this issue, so I thought I'd write an open letter to her and all the other pregnant BFFs of infertiles out there.

Dear newly, easily pregnant best friend,

So I see that you're pregnant! Just kidding, you're not showing yet (don't freak out),  I only know because you told me.

First of all, massive congratulations are in order! From my perspective, there is nothing in the world that could be better news than a positive pregnancy test. You're making a miracle come to life in your very own body, which is almost too awesome to process. Believe me when I tell you that I am over the moon excited for you, and so happy that you've chosen to share this experience with me! Thank you, for having the courage to tell me, but my feelings should not be your top priority--YOU'RE HAVING A BABY!!

I honestly appreciate how concerned you were over how I would feel about this. I know how hard it must've been to tell me that after only a few months you were able to conceive. I can 100% understand your hesitation, and even the guilt that was involved, but I assure you that I'm not mad, hurt, or feeling any other negative emotions toward you or that precious baby you're growing. While I'll admit a twinge of jealousy and even a little cry on my husband's shoulder, I don't want this to detract from all the positive emotions you're feeling. BE EXCITED. God has chosen YOU to bring new life into this world, and that is nothing short of a MIRACLE. I cannot fathom a person more deserving of this precious gift of life!

You mentioned that this is unfair to me. While I totally agree (you'd have to be a fool to think it's fair for a teenager to have multiple children and a stable, married couple is unable to conceive), you not being able to conceive would never make this any more fair for me. Though I love sharing life with you, this is not a journey I'd wish to share with anyone. It's a dark, depressing life path we've been dragged down, and I am more than happy to leave you behind in the dust on this one. But here's what I want from you--don't leave me behind in the dust on this little one.

I want to be there for you and Baby Mac v2.0 through this entire pregnancy, and his/her entire life. The real injustice in the situation for me would come from you shielding me from the miracle you're expecting. I want to be at all the showers, all the shopping, all the insane decorating that I know you'll do, gender reveals, and at the hospital (not as an employee) when this little miracle enters the world. I want to obsess over your swollen feet and blood pressure like I did with Rayne, and I want to calm you down when you're worried about nonsense that doesn't even matter. I want to make sure none of this nonsense is centered around me because I am okay. One way or another I will get my miracle, and I'm confident you will be there to do all these things with and for me.

We've been friends for over 22 years now, so you know my ability to beat a dead horse and talk in circles, but I'll leave you with the phrase I've said over and over since you divulged your secret to me. You don't get to stifle your joy. Not on my behalf, or anyone else's. You get to experience this pregnancy with excitement and jubilance, and enjoy it all for the both of us. I could not love you more, and I will feel that way even if you have 27 more babies, though I will show up with an adoption lawyer at your baby showers if you spit out that many--don't get ridiculous.

So congratulations, beautiful best friend of mine, may we always share these joyous moments and celebrate this life together. I love you!

I'll kill you if you complain about morning sickness,
Hannah

She's pregnant!

Perfect little niece is going to be a big sister!

Wading Through the Unexpected.

I typically don't blog three times in one week let alone three days in a row, but I've had something heavy on my heart ALL day and my fingers were yearning for the keyboard.

Here lately I've been hearing A LOT about the unexpected circumstances we humans encounter. To be more specific, sick babies. You don't have to look hard on facebook to find a page with somebody's updates for their sick infant/toddler/teenager/etc, and I suppose it seems more prevalent because we're suddenly more inclined to talk about it. Don't get me wrong, I think this is great. Our burdens are much lighter when we share them with people we love, and lighter still when we involve the public and split the load even further. I do it everyday when I share this blog! It helps to know that someone is in your corner--even if they're just nosey.

So this one is for you, mommys of sick kids, kids with congenital disorders, kids with extra chromosomes, and kids we just can't seem to communicate with, I am in your corner (May I also add that I make an excellent CPR certified free baby-sitter? Too much?).

Sometimes we don't exactly get what we bargained for. If I were a preacher in a pulpit I would probably use this (fictional) story/example to start off my super sermon (Aside: my husband called me a bonafide goober for this part of my blog, but I liked it so I kept it):

One time I won a "Fabulous Dream Cruise" and I was so excited!! I spent 3 months going to the tanning bed to get a base tan (this is where the congregation would pick up on the fact that I'm pulling from some fiction), worked out so I would be looking fantastic, and bought the cutest bikinis (not so preachery, sorry) I could find on sale at the Target. By the time I was headed to the port to load my ship I was looking like a million bucks and feeling even better. But when I got to my ship I found I was grossly underdressed and ill-equipped for this trip because the fine print on my winning cruise ticket stated that this would be an ALASKAN cruise. WHAT?! But I'm so cute and tan and ready for swimming with dolphins!?! I was sad and I felt sorry for myself for a brief minute (I love the beach after all), but I went anyway. And I had a wonderful, beautiful, unexpected time in Alaska. It didn't matter that I was looking at Free Willy instead of Flipper because it was still my DREAM CRUISE and it was still AWESOME! It wasn't what I thought it would be, but that didn't distract me from the breathtaking and spectacular experience of it all. It was Alaska vs Hawaii, but it was still great and it was still mine. Though challenging, sometimes the unexpected circumstance is even better than the experience we've been preparing for for the last 3 months. Let us pray...

I'm probably not going to be asked to speak at any religious conventions anytime soon, but the point I'm trying to make is that unexpected is not always a bad thing. Though I've never had a sick child, having to accept that my life isn't going according to my plan has really been difficult. While I grasp at straws and barter with God and fight with my rebellious ovaries, I never fail to consider that there are alternate routes to parenthood. It breaks my heart in two to think that I can't bear a child in my own womb, but I have come to the realization that I would love an adopted son or daughter (or both) as much as I would love a daughter or son whose genetic make-up I contributed to. It wouldn't be my DNA, but it WOULD be my baby. And isn't that the ultimate goal anyway, to be a mom?

I also just want to say, moms, that it is ok to mourn for the loss of what you expected. If you have a sick baby or baby with a "disability" (I HATE that term)it is ok to cry for the loss of the life you expected for your child. Just because you mourn for what you thought life would be for you and/or for your child, it doesn't mean you love them any less.  They are perfect and made in God's image and we all know that you will love him/her unconditionally as they grow up, or if they never "grow up" at all. So cry it out, cry hard and be selfish and hurt for what may never be. Then dance it out and remember what a blessing you have received! How blessed are you to be the one chosen to raise up this beautiful soul.

I don't want to marginalize the trials we may face by comparing them to a fictitious free cruise vacation, but I really liked the illustration. If you need a wildly non-judgmental ear, friends, pick this one. There's some strange, dark, and ugly thoughts bouncing around between these ears sometimes, so believe me, I get it.

I'm praying for you moms and dads!! Embrace the blessing.

XOXO,
Hannah

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that." --Albus Dumbledore

The Perks of Being an Infertile

Much to my mother's chagrin, I am oftentimes a Negative Nancy. I will never say this is my best trait (that would go against Negative Nancy's M.O. after all), but it is what it is and sometimes I try to work on it. Because of that, I give you a very satirical, though somewhat factual, list of reasons that being an infertile is an ok way to be.

1. The obvious, I don't have a menstrual cycle. While this isn't the case for every infertile it is my cross to bear and I don't mind that part too much. I'm not messy, I can adequately do my job without bathroom-breaking every hour, and I'm not spending money on "feminine hygiene products." It ain't so bad. No gross surprises in the middle of the night and my cute little undies are not ruined. Amenorrhea FTW!

2. Guilt-free Wine Wednesday. I've never been a heavy drinker, but recently I have found that I like wine quite a lot. When I first met my inner Wino I used to take a pregnancy test every time I wanted to have a glass (yes this is 100% absurd) to make sure I wasn't going to give my precious [imaginary] miracle fetal alcohol syndrome. This was dangerous as the inevitable negative pee stick always led me to having "just one more glass," and going into diva monologues about my broken uterus to anyone who would listen. It was destructive. Now that I know I don't ovulate and cannot get pregnant I can guiltlessly binge drink to my heart's content. I'm kidding about the binging part, please don't call anyone who may think I have a problem and report me to social services or something scarier that would breathalyze me and try to keep me from ever reproducing or holding a job. I've only purchased two bottles of wine in my life and may have a glass every two months or so! But that one glass is guilt-free and I like it that way! Cheers!

3. I am a walking Pregnancy Confessional.  Due to my vulnerable state and ever-pressing desire to procreate, I am often the second or third person (after the signficant other who donated the X or Y chromosome) to learn a friend is pregnant. I'm currently keeping 4 pregnancies secret! This is awesome sheerly because it makes me feel important, and it means a lot that my friends love me enough to delicately announce a pregnancy to me first so I can process it before the general public (circle of friends/co-workers/family) knows. I am allowed the opportunity to react privately, sometimes with tears and other times with hoots and hollers (!), before I have to put my game face on in front of other people. I am wildly grateful for this opportunity because I NEVER know how I'll react to this news. There are an infinite number of emotions that come along with being the bearer of the defective ovaries.

4. I can Ride all of the Roller Coasters. I love roller coasters! And Tyler & I are planning a trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter sometime in early spring, so I would hate to have to say no to the fun things because I was making a miracle (aside: I really wouldn't hate to say no because of the miracle manufacturing in my womb).

5. I can Spend my Money on Nonsense. Though I've never been too materialistic it's nice to be able to buy whatever I want without having to worry about diapers or what little precious Tyler Jr. might want. Ridiculous character socks, Long Island Medium book, the most expensive work scrubs the store had to offer...totally fine because why not! I don't have any tiny mouths to feed or tiny butts to keep covered, so I might as well indulge myself while I can. Even though the little Lipsey has caused me to spend money on many a doctor's visit co-pay, basal thermometers for days, multiple multi-vitamins, special lubricant and the list goes on, at least I can do so!

6. I've got an awesome Community of Infertile Sisters. I call them sisters because that's who they've become since I started sharing our journey. We support each other and relate to each other in the most painful of ways, but I think that's what bonds us further. I could never express how much I appreciate having people to share every fickle emotion with, without feeling judged for my jealousy/rage/sorrow/guilt/etc. Though I wouldn't wish this pain on my greatest enemy, I will be eternally grateful for the close friendships and bonds it has brought my way.

And a very important honorable mention: There are No Elves on my Shelves!

That's all I got, but it softens the blow a bit. If you have more to add, please comment & do so! I can always use a reason to laugh.

XOXO,
Hannah

Won't we make adorable parents?

*Photo credit to Knapp Photography from my cousin's adorable Movember wedding! (see what I did there?)*

The Year of the Baby!

That title may or may not prove to be true, but I'm going to hope with all I've got that we'll laugh on this post & call me a prophet by December.

You guys sure know how to make a lady feel special. I've had SO many people ask me how I'm doing since I haven't been blogging about my fertility adventures and I'm feeling so loved these days! The truth is, my fertility adventures are not the least bit adventurous at present, but I have a reason for that and of course I'm going to share it with you.

First, some background (I feel like I start every blog with a bit of background knowledge, but since my blogs are kind of miniature life reviews I don't really have a choice). Approximately 30 days ago a wonderful, beautiful woman of God I work with, let's call her Felicia for the sake of the blog, pulled me aside for a quick heart to heart in the middle of the work day. Felicia encouraged me (in words much more eloquent than I can remember a month later) to be still and let God be God. To take 30 days and put my focus on Him instead of on my empty womb and malfunctioning ovaries, and to simply have faith. She also mentioned (again, more eloquently than I) that faith without works is dead, and I should continue with my fertility treatments and doctors visits, but try to remove it from the forefront of every thought I have and put my trust in Him. She also encouraged me not to post about it all the time via facebook, twitter, instagram and blogger--I'm a social media junky, don't tell anyone.

I'll admit I was taken aback. Didn't everybody WANT to hear about my journey? I realize how self-centered this sounds, but I've been getting great feedback and overwhelming support, and I just didn't want to. Teary-eyed I thanked her for her honesty and for having the courage to call me out--aren't I blessed to have people like Felicia who speak truth in my life out of love? It meant a lot to me, but it was hard...until it became easier. I believe I've been happier this past month, and though I feel it may also be related to the holiday season, I have been happier. I won't say I've removed baby-thinking altogether, I'm still wildly obsessed with the make-believe child I hope to have to love one day,  but I've been able to focus on other things as well. It's truly been really nice.

THANK YOU FELICIA!!

I haven't experienced any parenting-related miracles during my 30-day hiatus, but I have found renewed strength, comfort, and faith, and that has made such a difference. Baby or none, I am BLESSED. I am also back in 2014 to update you with a happy heart and much less grief than I had when I wrote last.

So here's where we are...after my 22 day menstrual cycle I had NO IDEA when I should be expecting another cycle to begin. I've also been having some right lower quadrant/pelvic pain intermittently, which leaves me hesitant to jump back on the hormone bandwagon, so I'm medication-free for the moment. Since nobody down here in Thomasville wants to give me an ultrasound or do more lab work I'm headed back to Chatsworth to see my first gynecologist ever January 14th for a 3rd opinion. 3rd times the charm, right? I've never trusted another gynecologist like I have this doctor anyway, and it certainly puts me at ease that she prays at the beginning of every appointment. I had always envisioned her delivering my child anyhow (I would love my child to be received into this world by hands who had prayed for him/her), so we might as well start making the trek to see her for my women's health needs now. I'm excited! I have faith in this doctor and I have SEEN her advocate for her patients (nursing friends: she put a foley in my mom after her hysterectomy herself! I have NEVER before seen a doctor insert a foley at bedside for a non-urology patient), so I know she will advocate for me and find out what is wrong.

So that's where we are. Not really square one, but not really making any progress either. Our time is coming, though, and I believe this is our year! I have hope again, and it feels awesome.

Thank you for loving me through this, I could not be more blessed with family and friends and relentless prayer. God bless you all.

XOXO,
Hannah