I've heard that most women have an innate desire to become mothers, and I've found myself to be no different. I've known I wanted to be a mom since I was 2 and my own mother was pregnant with my brother. We were a tight knit pair, and Mom thought nothing of reading our version of "What to Expect" alongside her toddler. When I was 2 1/2 I corrected my teachers in sibling class for using terms like "bag of water" and "cord" instead of amniotic and umbilical. I breastfed all of my baby dolls and even forced my cousins to act out giving birth to their imaginary inbred babies in my Granny's closet. I was fascinated by birth and pregnancy and couldn't wait till May 10, 2001 when I became a mom to a robot baby in the 8th grade. I spent months pouring over baby name books and borrowing baby clothes, and felt myself accomplished when I ended up with the infant programmed to have colic. I entered nursing school with the intent to pursue a career in labor and delivery and was completely devastated when I wasn't given a rotation in L&D during my maternity semester (The Lord is surely sovereign, isn't He?). I spent the first 2 1/2 years of our marriage trying to wear my husband down and get his consent to stop taking the dreaded birth control pills and have a baby of our own. I was convinced it would be easy and would happen with little fuss once those pills were out of my way. In November 2012, he finally agreed; I was going to be a MOM!
Imagine my surprise when everything came to a screeching halt once those pills were out of the equation. I'll spare you the details (ahem, you're welcome) and leave you with the fact that I haven't ovulated in over 6 months. It is 100% impossible (scientifically, anyway) to become pregnant if you have not ovulated (aka released an egg) for sperm to fertilize, thus I am childless.
I have spent hours upon hours doing research independently, and I've literally spent days in my bed sobbing at the thought of my life-long dream being shattered. This has without a doubt been a dark time in my life, and I've been hopeless, scared, bitter, angry, and downright depressed since March.
I have been to the gynecologist 4 times this year and taken well over 10 pregnancy tests "just in case." 3 of 4 of those visits consisted of my doctor informing me that I was stressed and needed to simply "calm down." Stress is NOT a diagnosis and should never be a diagnosis unless tests are performed to ensure there is no other etiology (cause) of illness/dysfunction in the body. Stress can be considered a contributing factor, as in I'm sure my stressful job didn't help me to ovulate, but it isn't a diagnosis. At appointment #3 I finally talked my doctor into 4 blood tests (all were normal), and I was told to return in 4 months. I instead returned in 2 months and saw another doctor, I know my body & I know this isn't normal.
Today I saw that second doctor and today I was asking for your prayers. I asked for your prayer because I simply needed to find someone who would listen and assess me appropriately. As a nurse I serve as my patients' primary advocate every day. I ask doctors for medications for those in pain, for new diets for patients who have been left NPO (nothing by mouth) for no reason, and for catheters when someone can't use the restroom. I am a patient advocate. Because of this I find it especially hurtful and maddening when I can't count on the staff at my doctor's office to do the same when I am the patient. While I attempt to serve as my own advocate I must admit that this is MUCH easier when wearing scrubs and a stethoscope than it is naked from the waste down covered by a paper drape! Today I brought my husband, my greatest advocate, but I was pleasantly surprised that I needed no advocate. My doctor spent 45 minutes with me today, and he listened!!
I still have no diagnosis, but today we established a plan of action. We are starting fertility medication in November. I will be taking progesterone to start a menstrual cycle and Femara to induce ovulation. Aside from a medical standpoint, I will always be using the power of prayer, and that's where you come in...pray with us and for us. This journey is not an easy one and it is not one that I had even considered taking, but here we are. Many couples struggle to survive when fertility brings difficulties, and I know loading up on synthetic hormones and the accompanying mood swings doesn't help. I'm not concerned about my marriage (I don't give Tyler enough credit for the overwhelming amount of love & support he provides me), but I do know how tough this can be. I ask that you join me in prayer for Little Lipsey because I have faith that he or she will exist and will be the most perfect thing I have ever laid my eyes on. I already love Little Lipsey so much I can hardly see straight and he or she is not even a mass of cells yet!!
I also seek prayer for the millions of other women like me out there who are struggling through this season of their lives. I don't know why society keeps infertility swept under the rug, or why it seems we're not supposed to talk about it. Infertility is a disease like any other, and can be as devastating as any other diagnosis one may receive. So talk about it! I don't intend to keep quiet (I hope this is painfully obvious by now), and I hope that at least in my little corner of the world we can begin to view infertility as something that is less taboo and more worthy of discussion.
I believe that's it for now. Thank you for your support and your prayers on our journey to parenthood!
XOXO,
Hannah
"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, "O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." 1 Samuel 1:10-11
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