Well we've lost the first battle but not the war, & though the title suggests such I'm not entirely sure this victory goes to the ovaries because I'm not yet sure which side they're on.
Tonight I'm as defeated as I've ever been. It's difficult to write this blog about infertility and spare the graphic details so I'm not going to try to do that. Today marks the 19th day I've been menstruating. 19 days of disappointment and tampons, failed ovulation tests and desperate pleas to The Lord. 19 days of hoping, praying and feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually drained.
My magic pills didn't work. I haven't ovulated and I won't be a mom in 9 months. And now, because of the 19 day period, I'm on estrogen to stop it & inhibit ovulation...see why I'm discouraged?
At this point I'd be happy just to feel normal.
I'm consumed with thoughts of pale pink and baby blue, diapers, first days of school, learning to ride bikes, first kisses and proms, and hopes and dreams Ill actually get to have these things with my precious, perfect miracle. And I'm broken over the thought that this may not happen.
I'm on hormone overload and I may curse or cry at any given moment, and my hemoglobin is in the pits because of the super period, which leaves me pale and physically weak. My hair is dry and coarse and my acne replenishes overnight. I've also got some terrible cramps and a shooting pain on my right side. I'm a mess.
Next cycle (assuming this one EVER ends) we are increasing the dosage of my Femara (magic ovulation pills) in hopes that Ill finally ovulate. I'm also ready for another appointment, because I want labs and imaging studies and SOMETHING that will help determine what is going on. Blindly "treating" the problem is clearly not working. I'm frustrated and so unbelievably sad. Filled with longing for a person I have never met. Someone I may never meet. I don't know myself anymore.
I'm sorry to share my burden the day after Thanksgiving when I should be happy and thankful for the things I DO have, rather than wishing for the things I don't. But this is where I am. Thanks, as always, for your prayers & overwhelming support. I AM thankful for each of you in my support system.
Hannah
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