I typically don't blog three times in one week let alone three days in a row, but I've had something heavy on my heart ALL day and my fingers were yearning for the keyboard.
Here lately I've been hearing A LOT about the unexpected circumstances we humans encounter. To be more specific, sick babies. You don't have to look hard on facebook to find a page with somebody's updates for their sick infant/toddler/teenager/etc, and I suppose it seems more prevalent because we're suddenly more inclined to talk about it. Don't get me wrong, I think this is great. Our burdens are much lighter when we share them with people we love, and lighter still when we involve the public and split the load even further. I do it everyday when I share this blog! It helps to know that someone is in your corner--even if they're just nosey.
So this one is for you, mommys of sick kids, kids with congenital disorders, kids with extra chromosomes, and kids we just can't seem to communicate with, I am in your corner (May I also add that I make an excellent CPR certified free baby-sitter? Too much?).
Sometimes we don't exactly get what we bargained for. If I were a preacher in a pulpit I would probably use this (fictional) story/example to start off my super sermon (Aside: my husband called me a bonafide goober for this part of my blog, but I liked it so I kept it):
One time I won a "Fabulous Dream Cruise" and I was so excited!! I spent 3 months going to the tanning bed to get a base tan (this is where the congregation would pick up on the fact that I'm pulling from some fiction), worked out so I would be looking fantastic, and bought the cutest bikinis (not so preachery, sorry) I could find on sale at the Target. By the time I was headed to the port to load my ship I was looking like a million bucks and feeling even better. But when I got to my ship I found I was grossly underdressed and ill-equipped for this trip because the fine print on my winning cruise ticket stated that this would be an ALASKAN cruise. WHAT?! But I'm so cute and tan and ready for swimming with dolphins!?! I was sad and I felt sorry for myself for a brief minute (I love the beach after all), but I went anyway. And I had a wonderful, beautiful, unexpected time in Alaska. It didn't matter that I was looking at Free Willy instead of Flipper because it was still my DREAM CRUISE and it was still AWESOME! It wasn't what I thought it would be, but that didn't distract me from the breathtaking and spectacular experience of it all. It was Alaska vs Hawaii, but it was still great and it was still mine. Though challenging, sometimes the unexpected circumstance is even better than the experience we've been preparing for for the last 3 months. Let us pray...
I'm probably not going to be asked to speak at any religious conventions anytime soon, but the point I'm trying to make is that unexpected is not always a bad thing. Though I've never had a sick child, having to accept that my life isn't going according to my plan has really been difficult. While I grasp at straws and barter with God and fight with my rebellious ovaries, I never fail to consider that there are alternate routes to parenthood. It breaks my heart in two to think that I can't bear a child in my own womb, but I have come to the realization that I would love an adopted son or daughter (or both) as much as I would love a daughter or son whose genetic make-up I contributed to. It wouldn't be my DNA, but it WOULD be my baby. And isn't that the ultimate goal anyway, to be a mom?
I also just want to say, moms, that it is ok to mourn for the loss of what you expected. If you have a sick baby or baby with a "disability" (I HATE that term)it is ok to cry for the loss of the life you expected for your child. Just because you mourn for what you thought life would be for you and/or for your child, it doesn't mean you love them any less. They are perfect and made in God's image and we all know that you will love him/her unconditionally as they grow up, or if they never "grow up" at all. So cry it out, cry hard and be selfish and hurt for what may never be. Then dance it out and remember what a blessing you have received! How blessed are you to be the one chosen to raise up this beautiful soul.
I don't want to marginalize the trials we may face by comparing them to a fictitious free cruise vacation, but I really liked the illustration. If you need a wildly non-judgmental ear, friends, pick this one. There's some strange, dark, and ugly thoughts bouncing around between these ears sometimes, so believe me, I get it.
I'm praying for you moms and dads!! Embrace the blessing.
XOXO,
Hannah
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that." --Albus Dumbledore
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
The Perks of Being an Infertile
Much to my mother's chagrin, I am oftentimes a Negative Nancy. I will never say this is my best trait (that would go against Negative Nancy's M.O. after all), but it is what it is and sometimes I try to work on it. Because of that, I give you a very satirical, though somewhat factual, list of reasons that being an infertile is an ok way to be.
1. The obvious, I don't have a menstrual cycle. While this isn't the case for every infertile it is my cross to bear and I don't mind that part too much. I'm not messy, I can adequately do my job without bathroom-breaking every hour, and I'm not spending money on "feminine hygiene products." It ain't so bad. No gross surprises in the middle of the night and my cute little undies are not ruined. Amenorrhea FTW!
2. Guilt-free Wine Wednesday. I've never been a heavy drinker, but recently I have found that I like wine quite a lot. When I first met my inner Wino I used to take a pregnancy test every time I wanted to have a glass (yes this is 100% absurd) to make sure I wasn't going to give my precious [imaginary] miracle fetal alcohol syndrome. This was dangerous as the inevitable negative pee stick always led me to having "just one more glass," and going into diva monologues about my broken uterus to anyone who would listen. It was destructive. Now that I know I don't ovulate and cannot get pregnant I can guiltlessly binge drink to my heart's content. I'm kidding about the binging part, please don't call anyone who may think I have a problem and report me to social services or something scarier that would breathalyze me and try to keep me from ever reproducing or holding a job. I've only purchased two bottles of wine in my life and may have a glass every two months or so! But that one glass is guilt-free and I like it that way! Cheers!
3. I am a walking Pregnancy Confessional. Due to my vulnerable state and ever-pressing desire to procreate, I am often the second or third person (after the signficant other who donated the X or Y chromosome) to learn a friend is pregnant. I'm currently keeping 4 pregnancies secret! This is awesome sheerly because it makes me feel important, and it means a lot that my friends love me enough to delicately announce a pregnancy to me first so I can process it before the general public (circle of friends/co-workers/family) knows. I am allowed the opportunity to react privately, sometimes with tears and other times with hoots and hollers (!), before I have to put my game face on in front of other people. I am wildly grateful for this opportunity because I NEVER know how I'll react to this news. There are an infinite number of emotions that come along with being the bearer of the defective ovaries.
4. I can Ride all of the Roller Coasters. I love roller coasters! And Tyler & I are planning a trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter sometime in early spring, so I would hate to have to say no to the fun things because I was making a miracle (aside: I really wouldn't hate to say no because of the miracle manufacturing in my womb).
5. I can Spend my Money on Nonsense. Though I've never been too materialistic it's nice to be able to buy whatever I want without having to worry about diapers or what little precious Tyler Jr. might want. Ridiculous character socks, Long Island Medium book, the most expensive work scrubs the store had to offer...totally fine because why not! I don't have any tiny mouths to feed or tiny butts to keep covered, so I might as well indulge myself while I can. Even though the little Lipsey has caused me to spend money on many a doctor's visit co-pay, basal thermometers for days, multiple multi-vitamins, special lubricant and the list goes on, at least I can do so!
6. I've got an awesome Community of Infertile Sisters. I call them sisters because that's who they've become since I started sharing our journey. We support each other and relate to each other in the most painful of ways, but I think that's what bonds us further. I could never express how much I appreciate having people to share every fickle emotion with, without feeling judged for my jealousy/rage/sorrow/guilt/etc. Though I wouldn't wish this pain on my greatest enemy, I will be eternally grateful for the close friendships and bonds it has brought my way.
And a very important honorable mention: There are No Elves on my Shelves!
That's all I got, but it softens the blow a bit. If you have more to add, please comment & do so! I can always use a reason to laugh.
XOXO,
Hannah
1. The obvious, I don't have a menstrual cycle. While this isn't the case for every infertile it is my cross to bear and I don't mind that part too much. I'm not messy, I can adequately do my job without bathroom-breaking every hour, and I'm not spending money on "feminine hygiene products." It ain't so bad. No gross surprises in the middle of the night and my cute little undies are not ruined. Amenorrhea FTW!
2. Guilt-free Wine Wednesday. I've never been a heavy drinker, but recently I have found that I like wine quite a lot. When I first met my inner Wino I used to take a pregnancy test every time I wanted to have a glass (yes this is 100% absurd) to make sure I wasn't going to give my precious [imaginary] miracle fetal alcohol syndrome. This was dangerous as the inevitable negative pee stick always led me to having "just one more glass," and going into diva monologues about my broken uterus to anyone who would listen. It was destructive. Now that I know I don't ovulate and cannot get pregnant I can guiltlessly binge drink to my heart's content. I'm kidding about the binging part, please don't call anyone who may think I have a problem and report me to social services or something scarier that would breathalyze me and try to keep me from ever reproducing or holding a job. I've only purchased two bottles of wine in my life and may have a glass every two months or so! But that one glass is guilt-free and I like it that way! Cheers!
3. I am a walking Pregnancy Confessional. Due to my vulnerable state and ever-pressing desire to procreate, I am often the second or third person (after the signficant other who donated the X or Y chromosome) to learn a friend is pregnant. I'm currently keeping 4 pregnancies secret! This is awesome sheerly because it makes me feel important, and it means a lot that my friends love me enough to delicately announce a pregnancy to me first so I can process it before the general public (circle of friends/co-workers/family) knows. I am allowed the opportunity to react privately, sometimes with tears and other times with hoots and hollers (!), before I have to put my game face on in front of other people. I am wildly grateful for this opportunity because I NEVER know how I'll react to this news. There are an infinite number of emotions that come along with being the bearer of the defective ovaries.
4. I can Ride all of the Roller Coasters. I love roller coasters! And Tyler & I are planning a trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter sometime in early spring, so I would hate to have to say no to the fun things because I was making a miracle (aside: I really wouldn't hate to say no because of the miracle manufacturing in my womb).
5. I can Spend my Money on Nonsense. Though I've never been too materialistic it's nice to be able to buy whatever I want without having to worry about diapers or what little precious Tyler Jr. might want. Ridiculous character socks, Long Island Medium book, the most expensive work scrubs the store had to offer...totally fine because why not! I don't have any tiny mouths to feed or tiny butts to keep covered, so I might as well indulge myself while I can. Even though the little Lipsey has caused me to spend money on many a doctor's visit co-pay, basal thermometers for days, multiple multi-vitamins, special lubricant and the list goes on, at least I can do so!
6. I've got an awesome Community of Infertile Sisters. I call them sisters because that's who they've become since I started sharing our journey. We support each other and relate to each other in the most painful of ways, but I think that's what bonds us further. I could never express how much I appreciate having people to share every fickle emotion with, without feeling judged for my jealousy/rage/sorrow/guilt/etc. Though I wouldn't wish this pain on my greatest enemy, I will be eternally grateful for the close friendships and bonds it has brought my way.
And a very important honorable mention: There are No Elves on my Shelves!
That's all I got, but it softens the blow a bit. If you have more to add, please comment & do so! I can always use a reason to laugh.
XOXO,
Hannah
Won't we make adorable parents?
*Photo credit to Knapp Photography from my cousin's adorable Movember wedding! (see what I did there?)*
Thursday, January 2, 2014
The Year of the Baby!
That title may or may not prove to be true, but I'm going to hope with all I've got that we'll laugh on this post & call me a prophet by December.
You guys sure know how to make a lady feel special. I've had SO many people ask me how I'm doing since I haven't been blogging about my fertility adventures and I'm feeling so loved these days! The truth is, my fertility adventures are not the least bit adventurous at present, but I have a reason for that and of course I'm going to share it with you.
First, some background (I feel like I start every blog with a bit of background knowledge, but since my blogs are kind of miniature life reviews I don't really have a choice). Approximately 30 days ago a wonderful, beautiful woman of God I work with, let's call her Felicia for the sake of the blog, pulled me aside for a quick heart to heart in the middle of the work day. Felicia encouraged me (in words much more eloquent than I can remember a month later) to be still and let God be God. To take 30 days and put my focus on Him instead of on my empty womb and malfunctioning ovaries, and to simply have faith. She also mentioned (again, more eloquently than I) that faith without works is dead, and I should continue with my fertility treatments and doctors visits, but try to remove it from the forefront of every thought I have and put my trust in Him. She also encouraged me not to post about it all the time via facebook, twitter, instagram and blogger--I'm a social media junky, don't tell anyone.
I'll admit I was taken aback. Didn't everybody WANT to hear about my journey? I realize how self-centered this sounds, but I've been getting great feedback and overwhelming support, and I just didn't want to. Teary-eyed I thanked her for her honesty and for having the courage to call me out--aren't I blessed to have people like Felicia who speak truth in my life out of love? It meant a lot to me, but it was hard...until it became easier. I believe I've been happier this past month, and though I feel it may also be related to the holiday season, I have been happier. I won't say I've removed baby-thinking altogether, I'm still wildly obsessed with the make-believe child I hope to have to love one day, but I've been able to focus on other things as well. It's truly been really nice.
THANK YOU FELICIA!!
I haven't experienced any parenting-related miracles during my 30-day hiatus, but I have found renewed strength, comfort, and faith, and that has made such a difference. Baby or none, I am BLESSED. I am also back in 2014 to update you with a happy heart and much less grief than I had when I wrote last.
So here's where we are...after my 22 day menstrual cycle I had NO IDEA when I should be expecting another cycle to begin. I've also been having some right lower quadrant/pelvic pain intermittently, which leaves me hesitant to jump back on the hormone bandwagon, so I'm medication-free for the moment. Since nobody down here in Thomasville wants to give me an ultrasound or do more lab work I'm headed back to Chatsworth to see my first gynecologist ever January 14th for a 3rd opinion. 3rd times the charm, right? I've never trusted another gynecologist like I have this doctor anyway, and it certainly puts me at ease that she prays at the beginning of every appointment. I had always envisioned her delivering my child anyhow (I would love my child to be received into this world by hands who had prayed for him/her), so we might as well start making the trek to see her for my women's health needs now. I'm excited! I have faith in this doctor and I have SEEN her advocate for her patients (nursing friends: she put a foley in my mom after her hysterectomy herself! I have NEVER before seen a doctor insert a foley at bedside for a non-urology patient), so I know she will advocate for me and find out what is wrong.
So that's where we are. Not really square one, but not really making any progress either. Our time is coming, though, and I believe this is our year! I have hope again, and it feels awesome.
Thank you for loving me through this, I could not be more blessed with family and friends and relentless prayer. God bless you all.
XOXO,
Hannah
You guys sure know how to make a lady feel special. I've had SO many people ask me how I'm doing since I haven't been blogging about my fertility adventures and I'm feeling so loved these days! The truth is, my fertility adventures are not the least bit adventurous at present, but I have a reason for that and of course I'm going to share it with you.
First, some background (I feel like I start every blog with a bit of background knowledge, but since my blogs are kind of miniature life reviews I don't really have a choice). Approximately 30 days ago a wonderful, beautiful woman of God I work with, let's call her Felicia for the sake of the blog, pulled me aside for a quick heart to heart in the middle of the work day. Felicia encouraged me (in words much more eloquent than I can remember a month later) to be still and let God be God. To take 30 days and put my focus on Him instead of on my empty womb and malfunctioning ovaries, and to simply have faith. She also mentioned (again, more eloquently than I) that faith without works is dead, and I should continue with my fertility treatments and doctors visits, but try to remove it from the forefront of every thought I have and put my trust in Him. She also encouraged me not to post about it all the time via facebook, twitter, instagram and blogger--I'm a social media junky, don't tell anyone.
I'll admit I was taken aback. Didn't everybody WANT to hear about my journey? I realize how self-centered this sounds, but I've been getting great feedback and overwhelming support, and I just didn't want to. Teary-eyed I thanked her for her honesty and for having the courage to call me out--aren't I blessed to have people like Felicia who speak truth in my life out of love? It meant a lot to me, but it was hard...until it became easier. I believe I've been happier this past month, and though I feel it may also be related to the holiday season, I have been happier. I won't say I've removed baby-thinking altogether, I'm still wildly obsessed with the make-believe child I hope to have to love one day, but I've been able to focus on other things as well. It's truly been really nice.
THANK YOU FELICIA!!
I haven't experienced any parenting-related miracles during my 30-day hiatus, but I have found renewed strength, comfort, and faith, and that has made such a difference. Baby or none, I am BLESSED. I am also back in 2014 to update you with a happy heart and much less grief than I had when I wrote last.
So here's where we are...after my 22 day menstrual cycle I had NO IDEA when I should be expecting another cycle to begin. I've also been having some right lower quadrant/pelvic pain intermittently, which leaves me hesitant to jump back on the hormone bandwagon, so I'm medication-free for the moment. Since nobody down here in Thomasville wants to give me an ultrasound or do more lab work I'm headed back to Chatsworth to see my first gynecologist ever January 14th for a 3rd opinion. 3rd times the charm, right? I've never trusted another gynecologist like I have this doctor anyway, and it certainly puts me at ease that she prays at the beginning of every appointment. I had always envisioned her delivering my child anyhow (I would love my child to be received into this world by hands who had prayed for him/her), so we might as well start making the trek to see her for my women's health needs now. I'm excited! I have faith in this doctor and I have SEEN her advocate for her patients (nursing friends: she put a foley in my mom after her hysterectomy herself! I have NEVER before seen a doctor insert a foley at bedside for a non-urology patient), so I know she will advocate for me and find out what is wrong.
So that's where we are. Not really square one, but not really making any progress either. Our time is coming, though, and I believe this is our year! I have hope again, and it feels awesome.
Thank you for loving me through this, I could not be more blessed with family and friends and relentless prayer. God bless you all.
XOXO,
Hannah
Friday, November 29, 2013
Ovaries:1, Lipseys:0
Well we've lost the first battle but not the war, & though the title suggests such I'm not entirely sure this victory goes to the ovaries because I'm not yet sure which side they're on.
Tonight I'm as defeated as I've ever been. It's difficult to write this blog about infertility and spare the graphic details so I'm not going to try to do that. Today marks the 19th day I've been menstruating. 19 days of disappointment and tampons, failed ovulation tests and desperate pleas to The Lord. 19 days of hoping, praying and feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually drained.
My magic pills didn't work. I haven't ovulated and I won't be a mom in 9 months. And now, because of the 19 day period, I'm on estrogen to stop it & inhibit ovulation...see why I'm discouraged?
At this point I'd be happy just to feel normal.
I'm consumed with thoughts of pale pink and baby blue, diapers, first days of school, learning to ride bikes, first kisses and proms, and hopes and dreams Ill actually get to have these things with my precious, perfect miracle. And I'm broken over the thought that this may not happen.
I'm on hormone overload and I may curse or cry at any given moment, and my hemoglobin is in the pits because of the super period, which leaves me pale and physically weak. My hair is dry and coarse and my acne replenishes overnight. I've also got some terrible cramps and a shooting pain on my right side. I'm a mess.
Next cycle (assuming this one EVER ends) we are increasing the dosage of my Femara (magic ovulation pills) in hopes that Ill finally ovulate. I'm also ready for another appointment, because I want labs and imaging studies and SOMETHING that will help determine what is going on. Blindly "treating" the problem is clearly not working. I'm frustrated and so unbelievably sad. Filled with longing for a person I have never met. Someone I may never meet. I don't know myself anymore.
I'm sorry to share my burden the day after Thanksgiving when I should be happy and thankful for the things I DO have, rather than wishing for the things I don't. But this is where I am. Thanks, as always, for your prayers & overwhelming support. I AM thankful for each of you in my support system.
Hannah
Tonight I'm as defeated as I've ever been. It's difficult to write this blog about infertility and spare the graphic details so I'm not going to try to do that. Today marks the 19th day I've been menstruating. 19 days of disappointment and tampons, failed ovulation tests and desperate pleas to The Lord. 19 days of hoping, praying and feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually drained.
My magic pills didn't work. I haven't ovulated and I won't be a mom in 9 months. And now, because of the 19 day period, I'm on estrogen to stop it & inhibit ovulation...see why I'm discouraged?
At this point I'd be happy just to feel normal.
I'm consumed with thoughts of pale pink and baby blue, diapers, first days of school, learning to ride bikes, first kisses and proms, and hopes and dreams Ill actually get to have these things with my precious, perfect miracle. And I'm broken over the thought that this may not happen.
I'm on hormone overload and I may curse or cry at any given moment, and my hemoglobin is in the pits because of the super period, which leaves me pale and physically weak. My hair is dry and coarse and my acne replenishes overnight. I've also got some terrible cramps and a shooting pain on my right side. I'm a mess.
Next cycle (assuming this one EVER ends) we are increasing the dosage of my Femara (magic ovulation pills) in hopes that Ill finally ovulate. I'm also ready for another appointment, because I want labs and imaging studies and SOMETHING that will help determine what is going on. Blindly "treating" the problem is clearly not working. I'm frustrated and so unbelievably sad. Filled with longing for a person I have never met. Someone I may never meet. I don't know myself anymore.
I'm sorry to share my burden the day after Thanksgiving when I should be happy and thankful for the things I DO have, rather than wishing for the things I don't. But this is where I am. Thanks, as always, for your prayers & overwhelming support. I AM thankful for each of you in my support system.
Hannah
Monday, November 18, 2013
Femara for Fertility FTW.
Hello friends! It's your favorite crazy baby lady here, and we've reached yet another leg of our TTC (trying to conceive) journey this week! I'd like to back track a second & give you my input on progesterone and all that has happened since I last blogged...
Progesterone kicks Zzzquil's butt! Where was this stuff when I was trying to sleep all day & survive night shift?!? Best sleep I've had in years. And sexy dreams to boot! Nothing about this journey is really appropriate for sharing, I'm talking about my reproductive organs after all, so I figured I'd take a no holds bar approach and give it all I've got. There are certainly downsides to the progesterone though, like this SUPER CUTE acne I've developed. I had beautiful (pasty) skin as a teenager and suddenly I'm a hormone infested twenty-something with acne. A little positive note about that is the fact that my patients think I'm younger than 26 & today two different high school students thought I was a student as well. Acne FTW! I'm also mind-blowingly moody, but that isn't much of an outlier from my normal. I've done a significan amount of crying, especially work-related crying, and have even thrown a few temper tantrums. All for the pursuit of a little one who will own me when it comes to crying & tantrums!!
The most significant and positive outcome of progesterone is that I finally had a cycle!! YES! How many women do you know that are excited about that? I am thrilled! And so is everyone I've told. It's amazing how many people have shown up in support of us & who feel comfortable enough to discuss this with me. Just last Friday at a football game my dear father-in-law (father of 2 men, likely not interested in my gynecological pursuits) asked if I was ovulating! Haha! If you knew him you just laughed out loud with me. It cracked me up & touched my heart simultaneously. I may or may not be tearing up just thinking about it, but I'm a hormonal wreck so I'm allowed to do that.
Now, since Saturday evening, I've been taking Femara 2.5mg. This is the magic little pill that will hopefully stimulate my tiny ovaries & provide us with 1/2 of Baby Lipsey's DNA. Please, Lord, let this work! I'll be taking it through Wednesday evening & will begin ovulation tests on Thursday morning in addition to cervical fluid and basal body temperature monitoring in an attempt to pinpoint ovulation. The Femara has caused me no nasty side effects thus far. I was told I may have hot flashes, dizziness, and worsening mood swings, but fortunately I've been fine. I pray I continue to be side effect free, but if it will bring me a child I'll take all the hot flashes, dizzy spells, tears, anger and acne I can get it! Bring it on endocrine system, I never really liked you anyway!
For further assistance, I also purchased a delightful product from Walgreen's called PreSeed. I cannot stop laughing about it which may prove I'm an adolescent at heart myself, but the whole thing just sounds ridiculous. This is supposed to enhance sperm motility and if it doesn't help you get that big fat positive there's a money back guarantee! I figured it couldn't hurt, but it was a little bit embarassing to purchase. The box says, "Seriously fun baby making!" in big, bold letters. It felt like the box literally shouted, "Attention Walgreens Shoppers, I'm engaging in coitus to make a baby and I would love for everyone to know that!" I suppose that's essentially what I'm doing by posting my story on a public forum, but at least you can't see my face while I'm sharing the ins and outs of my reproductive organs.
Anyway, that's where we stand. I've had many of my infertility sisters (and yes, I consider them sisters we're in an unseen battle together) receive devastating news this week & it is so hard to see people I love so much in pain. We know that God has a plan & that He works for OUR good, but it is so difficult to watch. I ask that you continue to pray for me & these beautiful people touched by this hardship.
And lastly a big, whopping THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for loving us through this, for praying with us and for the countless emails, texts, and facebook messages I've received since I first spoke of this. Your support means the world to us & I have never felt more loved in my life.
Still loving someone who doesn't yet exist,
Hannah
Progesterone kicks Zzzquil's butt! Where was this stuff when I was trying to sleep all day & survive night shift?!? Best sleep I've had in years. And sexy dreams to boot! Nothing about this journey is really appropriate for sharing, I'm talking about my reproductive organs after all, so I figured I'd take a no holds bar approach and give it all I've got. There are certainly downsides to the progesterone though, like this SUPER CUTE acne I've developed. I had beautiful (pasty) skin as a teenager and suddenly I'm a hormone infested twenty-something with acne. A little positive note about that is the fact that my patients think I'm younger than 26 & today two different high school students thought I was a student as well. Acne FTW! I'm also mind-blowingly moody, but that isn't much of an outlier from my normal. I've done a significan amount of crying, especially work-related crying, and have even thrown a few temper tantrums. All for the pursuit of a little one who will own me when it comes to crying & tantrums!!
The most significant and positive outcome of progesterone is that I finally had a cycle!! YES! How many women do you know that are excited about that? I am thrilled! And so is everyone I've told. It's amazing how many people have shown up in support of us & who feel comfortable enough to discuss this with me. Just last Friday at a football game my dear father-in-law (father of 2 men, likely not interested in my gynecological pursuits) asked if I was ovulating! Haha! If you knew him you just laughed out loud with me. It cracked me up & touched my heart simultaneously. I may or may not be tearing up just thinking about it, but I'm a hormonal wreck so I'm allowed to do that.
Now, since Saturday evening, I've been taking Femara 2.5mg. This is the magic little pill that will hopefully stimulate my tiny ovaries & provide us with 1/2 of Baby Lipsey's DNA. Please, Lord, let this work! I'll be taking it through Wednesday evening & will begin ovulation tests on Thursday morning in addition to cervical fluid and basal body temperature monitoring in an attempt to pinpoint ovulation. The Femara has caused me no nasty side effects thus far. I was told I may have hot flashes, dizziness, and worsening mood swings, but fortunately I've been fine. I pray I continue to be side effect free, but if it will bring me a child I'll take all the hot flashes, dizzy spells, tears, anger and acne I can get it! Bring it on endocrine system, I never really liked you anyway!
For further assistance, I also purchased a delightful product from Walgreen's called PreSeed. I cannot stop laughing about it which may prove I'm an adolescent at heart myself, but the whole thing just sounds ridiculous. This is supposed to enhance sperm motility and if it doesn't help you get that big fat positive there's a money back guarantee! I figured it couldn't hurt, but it was a little bit embarassing to purchase. The box says, "Seriously fun baby making!" in big, bold letters. It felt like the box literally shouted, "Attention Walgreens Shoppers, I'm engaging in coitus to make a baby and I would love for everyone to know that!" I suppose that's essentially what I'm doing by posting my story on a public forum, but at least you can't see my face while I'm sharing the ins and outs of my reproductive organs.
Anyway, that's where we stand. I've had many of my infertility sisters (and yes, I consider them sisters we're in an unseen battle together) receive devastating news this week & it is so hard to see people I love so much in pain. We know that God has a plan & that He works for OUR good, but it is so difficult to watch. I ask that you continue to pray for me & these beautiful people touched by this hardship.
And lastly a big, whopping THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for loving us through this, for praying with us and for the countless emails, texts, and facebook messages I've received since I first spoke of this. Your support means the world to us & I have never felt more loved in my life.
Still loving someone who doesn't yet exist,
Hannah
Friday, November 1, 2013
Here Goes Progesterone!
Dear Baby Lipsey,
Its your mom here. It's Georgia/Florida weekend, which will one day be a big deal for you, but this GA/FL weekend is a big deal around here for another reason entirely. Today we finally, officially begin taking steps to bring you into the world. Today your crazy mama (it's best you know I'm crazy from the beginning, you'll still have to listen to me & do what I say anyway) starts taking progesterone! I'll spare you the details on what this will do to my body (I'm going to avoid discussing the birds and the bees with you until the last possible second), but these are the pills I get to take right before I start taking the magic pills that will help me bring you into the world! I am so excited I almost couldn't wait until today to start taking them!
This week I've been really buckling down on things I can do to get you here. I'm taking some delicious gummy vitamins, and because I've realized how good they taste I promise to always buy you gummies and not the disgusting, chalky Flintstones vitamins that your strange Aunt Tab always ate when we were kids. Those things are awful and I'll spare you that injustice if I'm able. I've also been charting my temperature and other things that will help me track my cycles and help me to know when you'll be on your way. Again, I'll spare you the details until you're significantly older and won't be completely freaked out by them.
We are praying so hard for you still, just like we have been all along. I started praying for you when I married your daddy. He laughed when I admitted it for the first time, we were still trying NOT to have you yet at that point, but I have always been praying for you. For your health and for you to grow up as a child of God, knowing how much He loves you. My prayers haven't changed much aside from adding in some begging for you to come along and asking for grace and peace as we wait for you. I pray for your daddy too, because waiting for you is a huge struggle for me and I know he hates watching me cry for you. He's impatient when it comes to waiting for you too, but he's much more laid back and calm than I am. I really, really hope you get his personality...& his looks, he's quite the good looking fellow after all.
Even more than your one-day parents, you have so many people praying for you! You're already a facebook legend I think, and I hope you don't find that (or this blog) too lame when you're old enough to read them. You are loved by so many people who simply cannot wait to meet you.
So here's to you, Baby Lipsey, as I force this huge progesterone pill down my throat and pray that all of this works this time. I know you are worth the wait.
Love,
Your Mama
This letter was proofread & ok'd by your old man (you'll probably call him Daddy) & your Aunt Tab who is excellent at crying & praying with us!
Its your mom here. It's Georgia/Florida weekend, which will one day be a big deal for you, but this GA/FL weekend is a big deal around here for another reason entirely. Today we finally, officially begin taking steps to bring you into the world. Today your crazy mama (it's best you know I'm crazy from the beginning, you'll still have to listen to me & do what I say anyway) starts taking progesterone! I'll spare you the details on what this will do to my body (I'm going to avoid discussing the birds and the bees with you until the last possible second), but these are the pills I get to take right before I start taking the magic pills that will help me bring you into the world! I am so excited I almost couldn't wait until today to start taking them!
This week I've been really buckling down on things I can do to get you here. I'm taking some delicious gummy vitamins, and because I've realized how good they taste I promise to always buy you gummies and not the disgusting, chalky Flintstones vitamins that your strange Aunt Tab always ate when we were kids. Those things are awful and I'll spare you that injustice if I'm able. I've also been charting my temperature and other things that will help me track my cycles and help me to know when you'll be on your way. Again, I'll spare you the details until you're significantly older and won't be completely freaked out by them.
We are praying so hard for you still, just like we have been all along. I started praying for you when I married your daddy. He laughed when I admitted it for the first time, we were still trying NOT to have you yet at that point, but I have always been praying for you. For your health and for you to grow up as a child of God, knowing how much He loves you. My prayers haven't changed much aside from adding in some begging for you to come along and asking for grace and peace as we wait for you. I pray for your daddy too, because waiting for you is a huge struggle for me and I know he hates watching me cry for you. He's impatient when it comes to waiting for you too, but he's much more laid back and calm than I am. I really, really hope you get his personality...& his looks, he's quite the good looking fellow after all.
Even more than your one-day parents, you have so many people praying for you! You're already a facebook legend I think, and I hope you don't find that (or this blog) too lame when you're old enough to read them. You are loved by so many people who simply cannot wait to meet you.
So here's to you, Baby Lipsey, as I force this huge progesterone pill down my throat and pray that all of this works this time. I know you are worth the wait.
Love,
Your Mama
This letter was proofread & ok'd by your old man (you'll probably call him Daddy) & your Aunt Tab who is excellent at crying & praying with us!
 |
| Here we go! |
Thursday, October 24, 2013
So this is our life now.
I've heard that most women have an innate desire to become mothers, and I've found myself to be no different. I've known I wanted to be a mom since I was 2 and my own mother was pregnant with my brother. We were a tight knit pair, and Mom thought nothing of reading our version of "What to Expect" alongside her toddler. When I was 2 1/2 I corrected my teachers in sibling class for using terms like "bag of water" and "cord" instead of amniotic and umbilical. I breastfed all of my baby dolls and even forced my cousins to act out giving birth to their imaginary inbred babies in my Granny's closet. I was fascinated by birth and pregnancy and couldn't wait till May 10, 2001 when I became a mom to a robot baby in the 8th grade. I spent months pouring over baby name books and borrowing baby clothes, and felt myself accomplished when I ended up with the infant programmed to have colic. I entered nursing school with the intent to pursue a career in labor and delivery and was completely devastated when I wasn't given a rotation in L&D during my maternity semester (The Lord is surely sovereign, isn't He?). I spent the first 2 1/2 years of our marriage trying to wear my husband down and get his consent to stop taking the dreaded birth control pills and have a baby of our own. I was convinced it would be easy and would happen with little fuss once those pills were out of my way. In November 2012, he finally agreed; I was going to be a MOM!
Imagine my surprise when everything came to a screeching halt once those pills were out of the equation. I'll spare you the details (ahem, you're welcome) and leave you with the fact that I haven't ovulated in over 6 months. It is 100% impossible (scientifically, anyway) to become pregnant if you have not ovulated (aka released an egg) for sperm to fertilize, thus I am childless.
I have spent hours upon hours doing research independently, and I've literally spent days in my bed sobbing at the thought of my life-long dream being shattered. This has without a doubt been a dark time in my life, and I've been hopeless, scared, bitter, angry, and downright depressed since March.
I have been to the gynecologist 4 times this year and taken well over 10 pregnancy tests "just in case." 3 of 4 of those visits consisted of my doctor informing me that I was stressed and needed to simply "calm down." Stress is NOT a diagnosis and should never be a diagnosis unless tests are performed to ensure there is no other etiology (cause) of illness/dysfunction in the body. Stress can be considered a contributing factor, as in I'm sure my stressful job didn't help me to ovulate, but it isn't a diagnosis. At appointment #3 I finally talked my doctor into 4 blood tests (all were normal), and I was told to return in 4 months. I instead returned in 2 months and saw another doctor, I know my body & I know this isn't normal.
Today I saw that second doctor and today I was asking for your prayers. I asked for your prayer because I simply needed to find someone who would listen and assess me appropriately. As a nurse I serve as my patients' primary advocate every day. I ask doctors for medications for those in pain, for new diets for patients who have been left NPO (nothing by mouth) for no reason, and for catheters when someone can't use the restroom. I am a patient advocate. Because of this I find it especially hurtful and maddening when I can't count on the staff at my doctor's office to do the same when I am the patient. While I attempt to serve as my own advocate I must admit that this is MUCH easier when wearing scrubs and a stethoscope than it is naked from the waste down covered by a paper drape! Today I brought my husband, my greatest advocate, but I was pleasantly surprised that I needed no advocate. My doctor spent 45 minutes with me today, and he listened!!
I still have no diagnosis, but today we established a plan of action. We are starting fertility medication in November. I will be taking progesterone to start a menstrual cycle and Femara to induce ovulation. Aside from a medical standpoint, I will always be using the power of prayer, and that's where you come in...pray with us and for us. This journey is not an easy one and it is not one that I had even considered taking, but here we are. Many couples struggle to survive when fertility brings difficulties, and I know loading up on synthetic hormones and the accompanying mood swings doesn't help. I'm not concerned about my marriage (I don't give Tyler enough credit for the overwhelming amount of love & support he provides me), but I do know how tough this can be. I ask that you join me in prayer for Little Lipsey because I have faith that he or she will exist and will be the most perfect thing I have ever laid my eyes on. I already love Little Lipsey so much I can hardly see straight and he or she is not even a mass of cells yet!!
I also seek prayer for the millions of other women like me out there who are struggling through this season of their lives. I don't know why society keeps infertility swept under the rug, or why it seems we're not supposed to talk about it. Infertility is a disease like any other, and can be as devastating as any other diagnosis one may receive. So talk about it! I don't intend to keep quiet (I hope this is painfully obvious by now), and I hope that at least in my little corner of the world we can begin to view infertility as something that is less taboo and more worthy of discussion.
I believe that's it for now. Thank you for your support and your prayers on our journey to parenthood!
XOXO,
Hannah
"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, "O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." 1 Samuel 1:10-11
Imagine my surprise when everything came to a screeching halt once those pills were out of the equation. I'll spare you the details (ahem, you're welcome) and leave you with the fact that I haven't ovulated in over 6 months. It is 100% impossible (scientifically, anyway) to become pregnant if you have not ovulated (aka released an egg) for sperm to fertilize, thus I am childless.
I have spent hours upon hours doing research independently, and I've literally spent days in my bed sobbing at the thought of my life-long dream being shattered. This has without a doubt been a dark time in my life, and I've been hopeless, scared, bitter, angry, and downright depressed since March.
I have been to the gynecologist 4 times this year and taken well over 10 pregnancy tests "just in case." 3 of 4 of those visits consisted of my doctor informing me that I was stressed and needed to simply "calm down." Stress is NOT a diagnosis and should never be a diagnosis unless tests are performed to ensure there is no other etiology (cause) of illness/dysfunction in the body. Stress can be considered a contributing factor, as in I'm sure my stressful job didn't help me to ovulate, but it isn't a diagnosis. At appointment #3 I finally talked my doctor into 4 blood tests (all were normal), and I was told to return in 4 months. I instead returned in 2 months and saw another doctor, I know my body & I know this isn't normal.
Today I saw that second doctor and today I was asking for your prayers. I asked for your prayer because I simply needed to find someone who would listen and assess me appropriately. As a nurse I serve as my patients' primary advocate every day. I ask doctors for medications for those in pain, for new diets for patients who have been left NPO (nothing by mouth) for no reason, and for catheters when someone can't use the restroom. I am a patient advocate. Because of this I find it especially hurtful and maddening when I can't count on the staff at my doctor's office to do the same when I am the patient. While I attempt to serve as my own advocate I must admit that this is MUCH easier when wearing scrubs and a stethoscope than it is naked from the waste down covered by a paper drape! Today I brought my husband, my greatest advocate, but I was pleasantly surprised that I needed no advocate. My doctor spent 45 minutes with me today, and he listened!!
I still have no diagnosis, but today we established a plan of action. We are starting fertility medication in November. I will be taking progesterone to start a menstrual cycle and Femara to induce ovulation. Aside from a medical standpoint, I will always be using the power of prayer, and that's where you come in...pray with us and for us. This journey is not an easy one and it is not one that I had even considered taking, but here we are. Many couples struggle to survive when fertility brings difficulties, and I know loading up on synthetic hormones and the accompanying mood swings doesn't help. I'm not concerned about my marriage (I don't give Tyler enough credit for the overwhelming amount of love & support he provides me), but I do know how tough this can be. I ask that you join me in prayer for Little Lipsey because I have faith that he or she will exist and will be the most perfect thing I have ever laid my eyes on. I already love Little Lipsey so much I can hardly see straight and he or she is not even a mass of cells yet!!
I also seek prayer for the millions of other women like me out there who are struggling through this season of their lives. I don't know why society keeps infertility swept under the rug, or why it seems we're not supposed to talk about it. Infertility is a disease like any other, and can be as devastating as any other diagnosis one may receive. So talk about it! I don't intend to keep quiet (I hope this is painfully obvious by now), and I hope that at least in my little corner of the world we can begin to view infertility as something that is less taboo and more worthy of discussion.
I believe that's it for now. Thank you for your support and your prayers on our journey to parenthood!
XOXO,
Hannah
"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, "O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." 1 Samuel 1:10-11
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