It appears I've been a horrible blogger as of late, but I really just don't have much to say. Or perhaps I've got TOO much to say and I can't figure out how to say it. Something like that. Either way, I've been absent and in case you're the type of person who is concerned with my life, I apologize.
Not much to say on the Operation Baby Lipsey front, but I am thrilled to finally announce that I've got a new job! I have officially turned in my notice at the hospital and will be starting April 14th with a hospice company in Dalton. As I'm not currently aware of their social media policy I won't mention the name, but if you're super curious you can message me and I'll share it with you. I am so excited!!!
I'm excited to delve into the adventure of hospice, something I've always been intrigued by but simultaneously afraid to approach. I found out about the job from someone I had never even met on facebook (one of the million reasons it pays to be a social media junkie like myself), blindly sent my resume, and had an interview within a week! Despite some negative comments from other people regarding the difficulty and sadness associated with hospice care, I truly think it will be a great fit and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to gain the experience myself. I'm nervous (who isn't nervous when starting a new job?!), but I'm honored to be able to provide end of life care to not only patients, but the family unit as well. We have had a number of hospice patients on my floor at the hospital, so I will not be going into this blindly. Though we all know that death can be [is almost always] sad, I think it is also a blessing to have the ability to assist in the journey and carry some of the burden.
I must also share the answer to my most frequently asked question and tell you that Tyler has not yet found a job. It's still early when it comes to school systems hiring new teachers, but we are not concerned. I've got peace like I haven't had in a long time (thank You Lord!), and I just know everything will be okay and he will find something. Or I'll get to be sole provider for my family for a time, which would also be considered a blessing...may we all take a moment to remember that this precious, perfect man supported our family independently while I spent time back in school to become a nurse. It would be a privilege to allow him some time to find the best fit for his career, too.
That's about it! I'll officially be back in the Dalton/Chatsworth area mid-April, and the love of my life will still be here, so please make plans with my lonely, drifting heart! I can assure you the distraction would be nice as I'm not always excellent when it comes to big life changes.
We also need a place to live so if you know of any 3bed, 2bath homes for rent in the area PLEASE let me know!
Please keep us in your prayers as we move toward all of these big transitions, and as always, send up a few for the future Baby Lipsey too.
XOXO,
Hannah
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Old Lady Poses as Hip College Student
Hello beautiful friends! I've actually got very little to say, but I'm in a coffee shop on UCLA's campus and honestly have nothing else to do & I'm afraid if I don't look busy some young, trendy whippersnapper will come and ask me to give up my table. So here I sit, and here I write.
Yesterday I woke up at 0330 EST to drive to the Jacksonville airport and catch a plane at 0925. Needless to say I was well over 2 hours early, and had nothing to do then, either. It was almost 70 degrees out when the plane took off in Jacksonville, and upon landing in Denver 4 hours later it was -8. I don't even know how to register such a temperature, but it was COLD. Fortunately yesterday was very clear with few clouds in the sky, so I was able to see all kinds of snow from a bird's eye view. However, being the Fatty Patty I am (sorry for the expression Patty!), all I could think of was vanilla soft serve ice cream. Those mountains looked delicious! Getting off the plane and feeling the chill was enough to curb my craving though.
My plane out of Denver was delayed by 1.5 hours, which had me arriving in LA at approximately 1515 (3:15pm)Pacific...roughly 1815(6:15pm) EST. I personally thought that was an excellent time for bed, but Hot Rod operates on west coast time, so she picked me up and we went to the world's earliest dinner (in her time zone, that is).
At my friend Kristina's recommendation we went to In-N-Out Burger in Westwood and I had animal style fries and animal style cheeseburger. Now, if you talk to a Californian, the special In-N-Out sauce is truly special and unique, but if you talk to a Georgia girl who loves a Big Mac she will tell you it's wildly similar to Mickey-D's sauce! The relish is more prominent in In-N-Out's sauce, but they taste incredibly similar. I love a Big Mac any day of the week, so I think this is 100% fine, but I do apologize to the In-N-Out faithful out there who may be offended by my opinion on this very important matter. Regardless of sauce, the burger was delicious & I'm glad I kicked off my LA vacation with a California-specific dining experience.
Following dinner, we went to church youth group where Sarah assists as one of the group leaders. Though exhausted and having a very difficult time focusing on the message, I really enjoyed attending this event that serves as the highlight of my dear friend's week, and getting to meet some of the people she so dearly loves.
California kids are different than our southern Georgia kids, y'all! As a long-term people watcher, I liked being able to sit back & observe the kids as they interacted with each other. When I was in youth group, I remember discussing such important things as who was kissing who and what our plans were for the upcoming weekend. When I was a teacher, I observed kids discussing much the same things, very rarely anything long-term or goal-oriented unless it involved a date to the prom. These kids spent all of their time discussing school. "I need to take these classes so I can get into this school," and "I'm waiting to hear back from this school that I applied to in order to start this summer," and "I'm on break because I'm studying abroad in another country this year" (In HIGH SCHOOL Y'ALL)...you get my point. These children also seemed especially articulate when discussing important subject matter, but I would assume this is attributed to their private school educations. Not much time for learning how to have an intellectual discussion or debate in the standards-based classroom, am I right? These children were truly more like miniature adults than teenagers. I'll keep my slightly biased opinion to myself, but it was interesting to compare the culture from east coast to west. We often forget how much we differ even though we all live in the big US of A. And, if I may interject this here, I'm happy to be a small town Georgia girl and to (hopefully) raise my children the same way....I'll probably teach them a few big, swanky LA words in case they need them though:)
Also, youth group went from 1900-2030(7-8:30pm)! SO LATE!! I remember going from 1800-1900 (6-7), maybe 1930/7:30 at the latest on a school night. It might've seemed later because their 2030/8:30 is actually my 11:30/2330. On a typical night, I've been asleep for at least 2 hours by then.
After youth group I 100% crashed. I'm talking didn't even brush my teeth or wash my face crashed. Plugged up that phone that said 0030 EST and I don't remember much else. Total jet lag exhaustion & I thought I'd sleep for days like I did when transitioning back and forth from night shift to day time living. Instead, though, I woke up about 5 times in the night and finally woke up for good around 0745 Cali time/1045 EST.
This morning I did nothing except get ready & come to campus on the bus with Sarah. Currently, I'm feeling a wave of nostalgia and longing for my glory days @ good ole UGA where I took the bus and ambled around campus. California's nice, but you can't beat North Campus no matter how hard you try.
In other news, half of my heart is in Thomasville. I think it's excellent that Tyler & I are comfortable spending time apart & taking solo vacations, but I'm also glad we don't make it a regular occurrence. I'm having a fabulous time, but words can't express how much I miss my man!! He's pulling double duty at the school these days, and I know he's stressed, so I'm sure that doesn't help matters. So thankful I took a few extra days off work so we can spend some time together when I return to the east coast in a few days.
I guess I had a lot to say for somebody who had nothing to say initially, but that's pretty much the story of my life. Also, my dad is traveling to Costa Rica as we speak/type/read, so if you could send up a prayer for safe travels I would appreciate it!
I'll probably write again soon...Hot Rod as another class this afternoon.
XOXO,
Hannah
Yesterday I woke up at 0330 EST to drive to the Jacksonville airport and catch a plane at 0925. Needless to say I was well over 2 hours early, and had nothing to do then, either. It was almost 70 degrees out when the plane took off in Jacksonville, and upon landing in Denver 4 hours later it was -8. I don't even know how to register such a temperature, but it was COLD. Fortunately yesterday was very clear with few clouds in the sky, so I was able to see all kinds of snow from a bird's eye view. However, being the Fatty Patty I am (sorry for the expression Patty!), all I could think of was vanilla soft serve ice cream. Those mountains looked delicious! Getting off the plane and feeling the chill was enough to curb my craving though.
My plane out of Denver was delayed by 1.5 hours, which had me arriving in LA at approximately 1515 (3:15pm)Pacific...roughly 1815(6:15pm) EST. I personally thought that was an excellent time for bed, but Hot Rod operates on west coast time, so she picked me up and we went to the world's earliest dinner (in her time zone, that is).
At my friend Kristina's recommendation we went to In-N-Out Burger in Westwood and I had animal style fries and animal style cheeseburger. Now, if you talk to a Californian, the special In-N-Out sauce is truly special and unique, but if you talk to a Georgia girl who loves a Big Mac she will tell you it's wildly similar to Mickey-D's sauce! The relish is more prominent in In-N-Out's sauce, but they taste incredibly similar. I love a Big Mac any day of the week, so I think this is 100% fine, but I do apologize to the In-N-Out faithful out there who may be offended by my opinion on this very important matter. Regardless of sauce, the burger was delicious & I'm glad I kicked off my LA vacation with a California-specific dining experience.
Following dinner, we went to church youth group where Sarah assists as one of the group leaders. Though exhausted and having a very difficult time focusing on the message, I really enjoyed attending this event that serves as the highlight of my dear friend's week, and getting to meet some of the people she so dearly loves.
California kids are different than our southern Georgia kids, y'all! As a long-term people watcher, I liked being able to sit back & observe the kids as they interacted with each other. When I was in youth group, I remember discussing such important things as who was kissing who and what our plans were for the upcoming weekend. When I was a teacher, I observed kids discussing much the same things, very rarely anything long-term or goal-oriented unless it involved a date to the prom. These kids spent all of their time discussing school. "I need to take these classes so I can get into this school," and "I'm waiting to hear back from this school that I applied to in order to start this summer," and "I'm on break because I'm studying abroad in another country this year" (In HIGH SCHOOL Y'ALL)...you get my point. These children also seemed especially articulate when discussing important subject matter, but I would assume this is attributed to their private school educations. Not much time for learning how to have an intellectual discussion or debate in the standards-based classroom, am I right? These children were truly more like miniature adults than teenagers. I'll keep my slightly biased opinion to myself, but it was interesting to compare the culture from east coast to west. We often forget how much we differ even though we all live in the big US of A. And, if I may interject this here, I'm happy to be a small town Georgia girl and to (hopefully) raise my children the same way....I'll probably teach them a few big, swanky LA words in case they need them though:)
Also, youth group went from 1900-2030(7-8:30pm)! SO LATE!! I remember going from 1800-1900 (6-7), maybe 1930/7:30 at the latest on a school night. It might've seemed later because their 2030/8:30 is actually my 11:30/2330. On a typical night, I've been asleep for at least 2 hours by then.
After youth group I 100% crashed. I'm talking didn't even brush my teeth or wash my face crashed. Plugged up that phone that said 0030 EST and I don't remember much else. Total jet lag exhaustion & I thought I'd sleep for days like I did when transitioning back and forth from night shift to day time living. Instead, though, I woke up about 5 times in the night and finally woke up for good around 0745 Cali time/1045 EST.
This morning I did nothing except get ready & come to campus on the bus with Sarah. Currently, I'm feeling a wave of nostalgia and longing for my glory days @ good ole UGA where I took the bus and ambled around campus. California's nice, but you can't beat North Campus no matter how hard you try.
In other news, half of my heart is in Thomasville. I think it's excellent that Tyler & I are comfortable spending time apart & taking solo vacations, but I'm also glad we don't make it a regular occurrence. I'm having a fabulous time, but words can't express how much I miss my man!! He's pulling double duty at the school these days, and I know he's stressed, so I'm sure that doesn't help matters. So thankful I took a few extra days off work so we can spend some time together when I return to the east coast in a few days.
I guess I had a lot to say for somebody who had nothing to say initially, but that's pretty much the story of my life. Also, my dad is traveling to Costa Rica as we speak/type/read, so if you could send up a prayer for safe travels I would appreciate it!
I'll probably write again soon...Hot Rod as another class this afternoon.
XOXO,
Hannah
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Greetings!
Greetings friends, from an absentee blogger who is STOKED to have 11 days off work!! This time tomorrow I'll be on the west coast for a week of relaxation, no thinking, and some catch up time with my dear friend Sarah! My goal is to not obsess about sex, conception, (there's that oxford comma TAYLOR!) and babies for the whole of my trip, aside from the portion where I fully catch Sarah up on the goings on of my lady business.
In order to do this, I must update you on my situation prior to leaving for the big city of LA. I was scheduled to see my OBGYN last Thursday to follow up on my not-so-happy-yet-somehow-relieving diagnosis of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). We were hoping to be able to look into treatment options and figure out where we are going from here. Unfortunately, The Lord said, "let there be ice and snow," and the entire city of Atlanta became gridlocked for a million hours and I couldn't get through. Appointment canceled. Unfortunately, due to my work schedule, and fortunately, due to my rockin' vacation schedule, I cannot follow up until February 27th. So we're playing the ever so familiar waiting game!
In the meantime, my body has decided to engage me in a crazy little dance of hormones with delightful symptoms that could either indicate a menstrual cycle or a baby. AWESOME. I'll keep them to myself because some of them are inappropriate for even me to talk about on the world wide web, and because I really, truly DO NOT think I'm with child and I don't want anyone to try to talk me into thinking I'm pregnant, either. Hope is a dangerous thing when you're in a situation like mine. The emotional crazy woman brain says, "OMG HANNAH! I think we're making a baby this time even though your symptoms are the same as every other time you've had a menstrual cycle!" and nursey brain says, "Felicia, you're going to have to do better. We both know you aren't bearing a seed in there and you're just going to make yourself cry. Get it together." I don't know what's going on, but I wish I'd either get a visit from Aunt Flo or feel something kick me from the inside so I'd know. I'd like to point out, though, if I catch the clown who apparently used my breasts as punching bags when I wasn't paying attention, I will kill you. This has got to go.
So that's it, loves. We know nothing new other than I'm going on vacation and will not be conceiving (unless it's immaculate, which could happen because I do not doubt the power of the Almighty God) while I'm gone. Keep praying for us, I feel them working because I've got a peace that can't be explained.
XOXO,
Hannah
In order to do this, I must update you on my situation prior to leaving for the big city of LA. I was scheduled to see my OBGYN last Thursday to follow up on my not-so-happy-yet-somehow-relieving diagnosis of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). We were hoping to be able to look into treatment options and figure out where we are going from here. Unfortunately, The Lord said, "let there be ice and snow," and the entire city of Atlanta became gridlocked for a million hours and I couldn't get through. Appointment canceled. Unfortunately, due to my work schedule, and fortunately, due to my rockin' vacation schedule, I cannot follow up until February 27th. So we're playing the ever so familiar waiting game!
In the meantime, my body has decided to engage me in a crazy little dance of hormones with delightful symptoms that could either indicate a menstrual cycle or a baby. AWESOME. I'll keep them to myself because some of them are inappropriate for even me to talk about on the world wide web, and because I really, truly DO NOT think I'm with child and I don't want anyone to try to talk me into thinking I'm pregnant, either. Hope is a dangerous thing when you're in a situation like mine. The emotional crazy woman brain says, "OMG HANNAH! I think we're making a baby this time even though your symptoms are the same as every other time you've had a menstrual cycle!" and nursey brain says, "Felicia, you're going to have to do better. We both know you aren't bearing a seed in there and you're just going to make yourself cry. Get it together." I don't know what's going on, but I wish I'd either get a visit from Aunt Flo or feel something kick me from the inside so I'd know. I'd like to point out, though, if I catch the clown who apparently used my breasts as punching bags when I wasn't paying attention, I will kill you. This has got to go.
So that's it, loves. We know nothing new other than I'm going on vacation and will not be conceiving (unless it's immaculate, which could happen because I do not doubt the power of the Almighty God) while I'm gone. Keep praying for us, I feel them working because I've got a peace that can't be explained.
XOXO,
Hannah
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Caught Me Off-Guard Again
Last Tuesday I had my awesome doctor's appointment, which ended with a promise to call with lab results and a follow up appointment. I paced around and waited as long as I could, but I finally broke down to call the office today. I was completely unconcerned...I have beautiful ovaries, a nice healthy-looking uterus, and no red flags pointing to thyroid problems. Healthy lady parts all around.
The nurse I spoke to was beyond nice (is this an inappropriate time to say, "hire me please?!") and started off with, "Well your prolactin levels and TSH levels are great, but..." WHAT?! There's a but? But I'm healthy? But I'm fine and everything LOOKS fine?! "But your LH and FSH ratio shows that you have polycystic ovarian syndrome."
Ever feel like you've been socked in the gut by words alone?
The strangest part was that this was the diagnosis I had been expecting all along. I had imagined myself feeling great relief with this diagnosis because we would finally have something to treat. But here I was sitting in bed with Harry Potter in hand trying not to cry. WHERE'S YOUR SPELL FOR FERTILITY, POTTER?! I kept it together long enough to make a follow up (1/30 at 1:30, easy to remember), then I hung up and felt sorry for myself. That soon gave way to pure teeth-baring anger.
Last March I had 4 labs drawn by GYN #2. Had she drawn one more lab at that time she'd have seen my LH/FSH ratio indicated PCOS and I would've been diagnosed then. I could have a baby in my arms or in my uterus right now, and that makes me red-hot with fury.
I've had a good cry and done some research, and now we're back to the waiting game. I know it's all in God's plan and my gift will come in HIS time, but the waiting is so hard. Restore me, Lord, and help me to see this as a leap forward instead of focusing so hard on the past.
Thanks, as always, for your support. And HUGE thanks to my pregnant best friend for being ready to kick GYN #2's butt, and to my friend Ashley for walking this journey and picking me up off the floor today. I love you all. Now bear with me as I overwhelm your news and pinterest feeds with PCOS information.
Let the PCOS games begin,
Hannah
The nurse I spoke to was beyond nice (is this an inappropriate time to say, "hire me please?!") and started off with, "Well your prolactin levels and TSH levels are great, but..." WHAT?! There's a but? But I'm healthy? But I'm fine and everything LOOKS fine?! "But your LH and FSH ratio shows that you have polycystic ovarian syndrome."
Ever feel like you've been socked in the gut by words alone?
The strangest part was that this was the diagnosis I had been expecting all along. I had imagined myself feeling great relief with this diagnosis because we would finally have something to treat. But here I was sitting in bed with Harry Potter in hand trying not to cry. WHERE'S YOUR SPELL FOR FERTILITY, POTTER?! I kept it together long enough to make a follow up (1/30 at 1:30, easy to remember), then I hung up and felt sorry for myself. That soon gave way to pure teeth-baring anger.
Last March I had 4 labs drawn by GYN #2. Had she drawn one more lab at that time she'd have seen my LH/FSH ratio indicated PCOS and I would've been diagnosed then. I could have a baby in my arms or in my uterus right now, and that makes me red-hot with fury.
I've had a good cry and done some research, and now we're back to the waiting game. I know it's all in God's plan and my gift will come in HIS time, but the waiting is so hard. Restore me, Lord, and help me to see this as a leap forward instead of focusing so hard on the past.
Thanks, as always, for your support. And HUGE thanks to my pregnant best friend for being ready to kick GYN #2's butt, and to my friend Ashley for walking this journey and picking me up off the floor today. I love you all. Now bear with me as I overwhelm your news and pinterest feeds with PCOS information.
Let the PCOS games begin,
Hannah
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Only Hate the Road When You're Missing Home
...& I've really been hating the road here lately, for the past 2 years or so. Plus I just love that Let Her Go song & wanted to use the lyrics in the title.
9 years ago in August I left my home with my best friend Keisha & my mom crying in the driveway and followed my dad to a brand new life in Athens. I was scared to death and didn't even know how to get to Athens on my own, but I was so excited and even more sure I would never, ever be back.
I spent four amazing years at the flagship university of this great state (GO DAWGS!), wasting time & money on a degree I wouldn't use, and meeting some of my best friends and the love of my life. After that I spent a year in Douglas teaching, then married the most wonderful man I've ever known which was followed by a move to Thomasville where we've been for 3 1/2 years now. I have loved Thomasville and my family that lives here, but the time has come for a change.
I am terribly excited to finally get to announce that WE ARE MOVING HOME!! I've known for approximately 8 months now, but because of employers and what not we've been keeping it a secret. Do you know how hard that is for an over-sharer like myself!?
To answer a few questions, no we don't have jobs and no we don't know where we are living. We aren't even sure what city we're headed to, just somewhere in the northwest Georgia Chatsworth/Dalton area. I have very few details, but I couldn't hold it in any longer and Tyler said I could tell! Please pray for us and with us as we try to nail down the finer points of our relocation, especially our future employment situations. If you know of anybody in the northwest GA/TN area looking for a fabulous nurse and super hot band director let us know!
We're comin' for ya, Chatsworth!
Hannah
9 years ago in August I left my home with my best friend Keisha & my mom crying in the driveway and followed my dad to a brand new life in Athens. I was scared to death and didn't even know how to get to Athens on my own, but I was so excited and even more sure I would never, ever be back.
I spent four amazing years at the flagship university of this great state (GO DAWGS!), wasting time & money on a degree I wouldn't use, and meeting some of my best friends and the love of my life. After that I spent a year in Douglas teaching, then married the most wonderful man I've ever known which was followed by a move to Thomasville where we've been for 3 1/2 years now. I have loved Thomasville and my family that lives here, but the time has come for a change.
I am terribly excited to finally get to announce that WE ARE MOVING HOME!! I've known for approximately 8 months now, but because of employers and what not we've been keeping it a secret. Do you know how hard that is for an over-sharer like myself!?
To answer a few questions, no we don't have jobs and no we don't know where we are living. We aren't even sure what city we're headed to, just somewhere in the northwest Georgia Chatsworth/Dalton area. I have very few details, but I couldn't hold it in any longer and Tyler said I could tell! Please pray for us and with us as we try to nail down the finer points of our relocation, especially our future employment situations. If you know of anybody in the northwest GA/TN area looking for a fabulous nurse and super hot band director let us know!
We're comin' for ya, Chatsworth!
Hannah
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Not Quite Answers
It's strange to me that as we get older the things we used to dread sometimes become the things we look forward to most. As you likely know, I had another GYN appointment yesterday. I used to HATE going to the gynie with all that I had. The sheer thought of the cold, silver speculum sent shivers down my spine and I canceled my first-ever appointment at least 4 different times before I finally went. My mom gave me a very descriptive account of what to expect prior to going that first time, and I just couldn't wrap my mind around ever needing to know the information that my first gynecologist was seeking--my how a few years changes things!
I had a countdown going for weeks prior to my appointment yesterday. I had seen my doctor before, twice in college for annual exams, but never for any pressing issues. I knew she was a blessing to me then, but she exceeded my expectations far greater than I can even put into words. THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS DOCTOR! I am so grateful for her patience, her skill, and her willingness to admit that she serves the Great Physician.
I digress. I spent well over 30 minutes with the nurse prior to seeing the doctor. The nurse performed an unbelievably thorough assessment of my past medical history (it was very similar to the one we perform on hospital admission & they asked questions my previous MDs have never asked), and then focused on my gynecological health history. Not one to leave things to the imagination, I provided her with a 2 page typed history from menarche through present, as well as my most recent lab work from 3/2013. She was impressed (someone appreciates my crazy!) After that assessment, I put on the trendiest of open-front hospital gowns and covered with a snazzy paper sheet...exam time.
I kept my shoes on (I'm not sure why I do this...maybe because I like having control over SOMETHING and nobody makes me take my shoes off), put my feet in the stirrups (I like to be ahead of the game & assume the position before I'm asked), and only then did I remember that I hadn't shaved my legs. I'll admit that I desperately glanced around the room for anything that might work to save me the embarassment, but there was nothing...even the sharps bin was empty. I apologized fervently while my doctor advised me to scoot down five times so she could get started. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. "Slide down! Just a little farther! Almost there! Ok you can stop! STOP! You're going to fall off the edge of the table into my lap!" Last part was an exaggeration, but doesn't it feel like you're going to slide your naked bum right onto your doctor's lap or the floor?!
Once she started the exam I felt like I was in some nasty horror version of Mary Poppins because she kept pulling things out of her bag of tricks (or off the sterile counter) to stick in my lady space!! There must have been about 56 different sized cotton swabs going in and out, along with the lovely scraper-thing (yes this is a medical term), and both of her hands. And this was all before she let the radiologic tech get ahold of me with the transvaginal ultrasound wand! Judging by the way she was swinging that ultrasound wand in my vaginal canal, I think the RT(R) thought I had a tiny Darth Vader in utero that she was having a light saber battle with! EASY!! If the force was with me I would be pregnant already, simmer down Jedi woman!!
I imagined the moment I saw my uterus via ultrasound to be much different. I thought I would have a nice, round belly with a cute alien-looking fetus inside, but instead I saw a lot of empty space. It felt oddly symbolic of the giant baby-shaped void I feel in my heart. The only part that went as planned was the tears in my eyes. I knew those would be there the first time I saw my precious child in utero, but I didn't know they'd show up when I saw my empty uterus on the screen. I held myself together, but it was such an accurate representation of the emptiness I feel when I think about this situation that I almost couldn't believe it.
Enough of the emotions. What I also saw was one fine lookin' uterus. And what I didn't see was endometriosis. I'm actually not sure if I would've known the difference, but no one else saw any evidence of it so I'm pretending I was knowledgeable enough to notice. I do have a very thick endometrial lining (sexy, right?) but that's because I've not had a period since November. We checked out my ovaries and saw no evidence of PCOS! Praise The Lord!! The RT(R) did mention that I had one follicle that looked like it was almost mature, meaning that just maybe I'll be ovulating soon!! Anybody want to place bets that I'll aggravate the fool out of Tyler in the meantime just in case?
At the end we drew labs, and I will go back for a follow-up on those and will likely start Provera & Clomid 50mg then. If I start Clomid I'll have to find someone here to monitor me, and I'm mostly concerned about that...I feel like the OBGYN here isn't a fan of mine because they wouldn't help me or monitor me the way I begged them to, so I don't know how they'd feel about monitoring me for another doctor.
In the meantime, Tyler gets to go to have his boys checked out to be sure he isn't shooting blanks--he is so excited!! I asked him to do a guest blog post and give his viewpoint, but he said no. I didn't really expect that to work, but one day when I'm sobbing over my stubborn ovaries he'll probably give in and do it to make me feel better. My doctor also "prescribed" for us to copulate every other day. Every. Other. Day. I'm tired just thinking about it. She said to look at it as I would any other prescription & not give myself the option to be too tired, have a headache, or be too stressed from work. Somehow this woman knows me so well already, well enough to know I'm good at making excuses, but I won't skip out on my medication or doctors orders. I wonder if not skipping orders is a nurse thing or just a regular Hannah thing? Probably a scary combination of the two.
To summarize, I'm blessed! I have one amazing doctor, a healthy uterus, two apparently healthy (although seemingly lazy) ovaries, and no PCOS or endo! Let's all pray that we can join forces and put a baby in me!! Thanks for loving me friends, I've had so many calls/texts/fb messages about yesterday I can't even process how much you've loved me. God bless you!
It's baby-making time,
Hannah
I had a countdown going for weeks prior to my appointment yesterday. I had seen my doctor before, twice in college for annual exams, but never for any pressing issues. I knew she was a blessing to me then, but she exceeded my expectations far greater than I can even put into words. THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS DOCTOR! I am so grateful for her patience, her skill, and her willingness to admit that she serves the Great Physician.
I digress. I spent well over 30 minutes with the nurse prior to seeing the doctor. The nurse performed an unbelievably thorough assessment of my past medical history (it was very similar to the one we perform on hospital admission & they asked questions my previous MDs have never asked), and then focused on my gynecological health history. Not one to leave things to the imagination, I provided her with a 2 page typed history from menarche through present, as well as my most recent lab work from 3/2013. She was impressed (someone appreciates my crazy!) After that assessment, I put on the trendiest of open-front hospital gowns and covered with a snazzy paper sheet...exam time.
I kept my shoes on (I'm not sure why I do this...maybe because I like having control over SOMETHING and nobody makes me take my shoes off), put my feet in the stirrups (I like to be ahead of the game & assume the position before I'm asked), and only then did I remember that I hadn't shaved my legs. I'll admit that I desperately glanced around the room for anything that might work to save me the embarassment, but there was nothing...even the sharps bin was empty. I apologized fervently while my doctor advised me to scoot down five times so she could get started. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. "Slide down! Just a little farther! Almost there! Ok you can stop! STOP! You're going to fall off the edge of the table into my lap!" Last part was an exaggeration, but doesn't it feel like you're going to slide your naked bum right onto your doctor's lap or the floor?!
Once she started the exam I felt like I was in some nasty horror version of Mary Poppins because she kept pulling things out of her bag of tricks (or off the sterile counter) to stick in my lady space!! There must have been about 56 different sized cotton swabs going in and out, along with the lovely scraper-thing (yes this is a medical term), and both of her hands. And this was all before she let the radiologic tech get ahold of me with the transvaginal ultrasound wand! Judging by the way she was swinging that ultrasound wand in my vaginal canal, I think the RT(R) thought I had a tiny Darth Vader in utero that she was having a light saber battle with! EASY!! If the force was with me I would be pregnant already, simmer down Jedi woman!!
I imagined the moment I saw my uterus via ultrasound to be much different. I thought I would have a nice, round belly with a cute alien-looking fetus inside, but instead I saw a lot of empty space. It felt oddly symbolic of the giant baby-shaped void I feel in my heart. The only part that went as planned was the tears in my eyes. I knew those would be there the first time I saw my precious child in utero, but I didn't know they'd show up when I saw my empty uterus on the screen. I held myself together, but it was such an accurate representation of the emptiness I feel when I think about this situation that I almost couldn't believe it.
Enough of the emotions. What I also saw was one fine lookin' uterus. And what I didn't see was endometriosis. I'm actually not sure if I would've known the difference, but no one else saw any evidence of it so I'm pretending I was knowledgeable enough to notice. I do have a very thick endometrial lining (sexy, right?) but that's because I've not had a period since November. We checked out my ovaries and saw no evidence of PCOS! Praise The Lord!! The RT(R) did mention that I had one follicle that looked like it was almost mature, meaning that just maybe I'll be ovulating soon!! Anybody want to place bets that I'll aggravate the fool out of Tyler in the meantime just in case?
At the end we drew labs, and I will go back for a follow-up on those and will likely start Provera & Clomid 50mg then. If I start Clomid I'll have to find someone here to monitor me, and I'm mostly concerned about that...I feel like the OBGYN here isn't a fan of mine because they wouldn't help me or monitor me the way I begged them to, so I don't know how they'd feel about monitoring me for another doctor.
In the meantime, Tyler gets to go to have his boys checked out to be sure he isn't shooting blanks--he is so excited!! I asked him to do a guest blog post and give his viewpoint, but he said no. I didn't really expect that to work, but one day when I'm sobbing over my stubborn ovaries he'll probably give in and do it to make me feel better. My doctor also "prescribed" for us to copulate every other day. Every. Other. Day. I'm tired just thinking about it. She said to look at it as I would any other prescription & not give myself the option to be too tired, have a headache, or be too stressed from work. Somehow this woman knows me so well already, well enough to know I'm good at making excuses, but I won't skip out on my medication or doctors orders. I wonder if not skipping orders is a nurse thing or just a regular Hannah thing? Probably a scary combination of the two.
To summarize, I'm blessed! I have one amazing doctor, a healthy uterus, two apparently healthy (although seemingly lazy) ovaries, and no PCOS or endo! Let's all pray that we can join forces and put a baby in me!! Thanks for loving me friends, I've had so many calls/texts/fb messages about yesterday I can't even process how much you've loved me. God bless you!
It's baby-making time,
Hannah
Monday, January 6, 2014
An Open Letter to my Pregnant Best Friend: You Don't Get to Stifle Your Joy
As you may have gleaned from the title or her Facebook post, my best friend is pregnant with her 2nd child! Baby Mac version 2.0 is due in September! I'm going to be an aunt again (irrelevant that I'm of no blood relation to this family), and I am ecstatic! However, due to my rebel ovaries and barren uterus, my poor Tabitha was scared to death to tell me. Here's an excerpt from my girl's pregnancy confession:
I get it, at least half of everything I say is somehow related to my intense longing to be called mommy, and she tried to get pregnant for maybe 1/4 of the amount of time I've been trying (I don't know the actual number there, she's the one who is good at math), and as hard as it has been for me to get pregnant, it's been just that easy for her. I know we aren't the first duo to tackle this issue, so I thought I'd write an open letter to her and all the other pregnant BFFs of infertiles out there.
Dear newly, easily pregnant best friend,
So I see that you're pregnant! Just kidding, you're not showing yet (don't freak out), I only know because you told me.
First of all, massive congratulations are in order! From my perspective, there is nothing in the world that could be better news than a positive pregnancy test. You're making a miracle come to life in your very own body, which is almost too awesome to process. Believe me when I tell you that I am over the moon excited for you, and so happy that you've chosen to share this experience with me! Thank you, for having the courage to tell me, but my feelings should not be your top priority--YOU'RE HAVING A BABY!!
I honestly appreciate how concerned you were over how I would feel about this. I know how hard it must've been to tell me that after only a few months you were able to conceive. I can 100% understand your hesitation, and even the guilt that was involved, but I assure you that I'm not mad, hurt, or feeling any other negative emotions toward you or that precious baby you're growing. While I'll admit a twinge of jealousy and even a little cry on my husband's shoulder, I don't want this to detract from all the positive emotions you're feeling. BE EXCITED. God has chosen YOU to bring new life into this world, and that is nothing short of a MIRACLE. I cannot fathom a person more deserving of this precious gift of life!
You mentioned that this is unfair to me. While I totally agree (you'd have to be a fool to think it's fair for a teenager to have multiple children and a stable, married couple is unable to conceive), you not being able to conceive would never make this any more fair for me. Though I love sharing life with you, this is not a journey I'd wish to share with anyone. It's a dark, depressing life path we've been dragged down, and I am more than happy to leave you behind in the dust on this one. But here's what I want from you--don't leave me behind in the dust on this little one.
I want to be there for you and Baby Mac v2.0 through this entire pregnancy, and his/her entire life. The real injustice in the situation for me would come from you shielding me from the miracle you're expecting. I want to be at all the showers, all the shopping, all the insane decorating that I know you'll do, gender reveals, and at the hospital (not as an employee) when this little miracle enters the world. I want to obsess over your swollen feet and blood pressure like I did with Rayne, and I want to calm you down when you're worried about nonsense that doesn't even matter. I want to make sure none of this nonsense is centered around me because I am okay. One way or another I will get my miracle, and I'm confident you will be there to do all these things with and for me.
We've been friends for over 22 years now, so you know my ability to beat a dead horse and talk in circles, but I'll leave you with the phrase I've said over and over since you divulged your secret to me. You don't get to stifle your joy. Not on my behalf, or anyone else's. You get to experience this pregnancy with excitement and jubilance, and enjoy it all for the both of us. I could not love you more, and I will feel that way even if you have 27 more babies, though I will show up with an adoption lawyer at your baby showers if you spit out that many--don't get ridiculous.
So congratulations, beautiful best friend of mine, may we always share these joyous moments and celebrate this life together. I love you!
I'll kill you if you complain about morning sickness,
Hannah
Dear newly, easily pregnant best friend,
So I see that you're pregnant! Just kidding, you're not showing yet (don't freak out), I only know because you told me.
First of all, massive congratulations are in order! From my perspective, there is nothing in the world that could be better news than a positive pregnancy test. You're making a miracle come to life in your very own body, which is almost too awesome to process. Believe me when I tell you that I am over the moon excited for you, and so happy that you've chosen to share this experience with me! Thank you, for having the courage to tell me, but my feelings should not be your top priority--YOU'RE HAVING A BABY!!
I honestly appreciate how concerned you were over how I would feel about this. I know how hard it must've been to tell me that after only a few months you were able to conceive. I can 100% understand your hesitation, and even the guilt that was involved, but I assure you that I'm not mad, hurt, or feeling any other negative emotions toward you or that precious baby you're growing. While I'll admit a twinge of jealousy and even a little cry on my husband's shoulder, I don't want this to detract from all the positive emotions you're feeling. BE EXCITED. God has chosen YOU to bring new life into this world, and that is nothing short of a MIRACLE. I cannot fathom a person more deserving of this precious gift of life!
You mentioned that this is unfair to me. While I totally agree (you'd have to be a fool to think it's fair for a teenager to have multiple children and a stable, married couple is unable to conceive), you not being able to conceive would never make this any more fair for me. Though I love sharing life with you, this is not a journey I'd wish to share with anyone. It's a dark, depressing life path we've been dragged down, and I am more than happy to leave you behind in the dust on this one. But here's what I want from you--don't leave me behind in the dust on this little one.
I want to be there for you and Baby Mac v2.0 through this entire pregnancy, and his/her entire life. The real injustice in the situation for me would come from you shielding me from the miracle you're expecting. I want to be at all the showers, all the shopping, all the insane decorating that I know you'll do, gender reveals, and at the hospital (not as an employee) when this little miracle enters the world. I want to obsess over your swollen feet and blood pressure like I did with Rayne, and I want to calm you down when you're worried about nonsense that doesn't even matter. I want to make sure none of this nonsense is centered around me because I am okay. One way or another I will get my miracle, and I'm confident you will be there to do all these things with and for me.
We've been friends for over 22 years now, so you know my ability to beat a dead horse and talk in circles, but I'll leave you with the phrase I've said over and over since you divulged your secret to me. You don't get to stifle your joy. Not on my behalf, or anyone else's. You get to experience this pregnancy with excitement and jubilance, and enjoy it all for the both of us. I could not love you more, and I will feel that way even if you have 27 more babies, though I will show up with an adoption lawyer at your baby showers if you spit out that many--don't get ridiculous.
So congratulations, beautiful best friend of mine, may we always share these joyous moments and celebrate this life together. I love you!
I'll kill you if you complain about morning sickness,
Hannah
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| She's pregnant! |
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| Perfect little niece is going to be a big sister! |
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