It's strange to me that as we get older the things we used to dread sometimes become the things we look forward to most. As you likely know, I had another GYN appointment yesterday. I used to HATE going to the gynie with all that I had. The sheer thought of the cold, silver speculum sent shivers down my spine and I canceled my first-ever appointment at least 4 different times before I finally went. My mom gave me a very descriptive account of what to expect prior to going that first time, and I just couldn't wrap my mind around ever needing to know the information that my first gynecologist was seeking--my how a few years changes things!
I had a countdown going for weeks prior to my appointment yesterday. I had seen my doctor before, twice in college for annual exams, but never for any pressing issues. I knew she was a blessing to me then, but she exceeded my expectations far greater than I can even put into words. THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS DOCTOR! I am so grateful for her patience, her skill, and her willingness to admit that she serves the Great Physician.
I digress. I spent well over 30 minutes with the nurse prior to seeing the doctor. The nurse performed an unbelievably thorough assessment of my past medical history (it was very similar to the one we perform on hospital admission & they asked questions my previous MDs have never asked), and then focused on my gynecological health history. Not one to leave things to the imagination, I provided her with a 2 page typed history from menarche through present, as well as my most recent lab work from 3/2013. She was impressed (someone appreciates my crazy!) After that assessment, I put on the trendiest of open-front hospital gowns and covered with a snazzy paper sheet...exam time.
I kept my shoes on (I'm not sure why I do this...maybe because I like having control over SOMETHING and nobody makes me take my shoes off), put my feet in the stirrups (I like to be ahead of the game & assume the position before I'm asked), and only then did I remember that I hadn't shaved my legs. I'll admit that I desperately glanced around the room for anything that might work to save me the embarassment, but there was nothing...even the sharps bin was empty. I apologized fervently while my doctor advised me to scoot down five times so she could get started. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. "Slide down! Just a little farther! Almost there! Ok you can stop! STOP! You're going to fall off the edge of the table into my lap!" Last part was an exaggeration, but doesn't it feel like you're going to slide your naked bum right onto your doctor's lap or the floor?!
Once she started the exam I felt like I was in some nasty horror version of Mary Poppins because she kept pulling things out of her bag of tricks (or off the sterile counter) to stick in my lady space!! There must have been about 56 different sized cotton swabs going in and out, along with the lovely scraper-thing (yes this is a medical term), and both of her hands. And this was all before she let the radiologic tech get ahold of me with the transvaginal ultrasound wand! Judging by the way she was swinging that ultrasound wand in my vaginal canal, I think the RT(R) thought I had a tiny Darth Vader in utero that she was having a light saber battle with! EASY!! If the force was with me I would be pregnant already, simmer down Jedi woman!!
I imagined the moment I saw my uterus via ultrasound to be much different. I thought I would have a nice, round belly with a cute alien-looking fetus inside, but instead I saw a lot of empty space. It felt oddly symbolic of the giant baby-shaped void I feel in my heart. The only part that went as planned was the tears in my eyes. I knew those would be there the first time I saw my precious child in utero, but I didn't know they'd show up when I saw my empty uterus on the screen. I held myself together, but it was such an accurate representation of the emptiness I feel when I think about this situation that I almost couldn't believe it.
Enough of the emotions. What I also saw was one fine lookin' uterus. And what I didn't see was endometriosis. I'm actually not sure if I would've known the difference, but no one else saw any evidence of it so I'm pretending I was knowledgeable enough to notice. I do have a very thick endometrial lining (sexy, right?) but that's because I've not had a period since November. We checked out my ovaries and saw no evidence of PCOS! Praise The Lord!! The RT(R) did mention that I had one follicle that looked like it was almost mature, meaning that just maybe I'll be ovulating soon!! Anybody want to place bets that I'll aggravate the fool out of Tyler in the meantime just in case?
At the end we drew labs, and I will go back for a follow-up on those and will likely start Provera & Clomid 50mg then. If I start Clomid I'll have to find someone here to monitor me, and I'm mostly concerned about that...I feel like the OBGYN here isn't a fan of mine because they wouldn't help me or monitor me the way I begged them to, so I don't know how they'd feel about monitoring me for another doctor.
In the meantime, Tyler gets to go to have his boys checked out to be sure he isn't shooting blanks--he is so excited!! I asked him to do a guest blog post and give his viewpoint, but he said no. I didn't really expect that to work, but one day when I'm sobbing over my stubborn ovaries he'll probably give in and do it to make me feel better. My doctor also "prescribed" for us to copulate every other day. Every. Other. Day. I'm tired just thinking about it. She said to look at it as I would any other prescription & not give myself the option to be too tired, have a headache, or be too stressed from work. Somehow this woman knows me so well already, well enough to know I'm good at making excuses, but I won't skip out on my medication or doctors orders. I wonder if not skipping orders is a nurse thing or just a regular Hannah thing? Probably a scary combination of the two.
To summarize, I'm blessed! I have one amazing doctor, a healthy uterus, two apparently healthy (although seemingly lazy) ovaries, and no PCOS or endo! Let's all pray that we can join forces and put a baby in me!! Thanks for loving me friends, I've had so many calls/texts/fb messages about yesterday I can't even process how much you've loved me. God bless you!
It's baby-making time,
Hannah
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