I've heard that most women have an innate desire to become mothers, and I've found myself to be no different. I've known I wanted to be a mom since I was 2 and my own mother was pregnant with my brother. We were a tight knit pair, and Mom thought nothing of reading our version of "What to Expect" alongside her toddler. When I was 2 1/2 I corrected my teachers in sibling class for using terms like "bag of water" and "cord" instead of amniotic and umbilical. I breastfed all of my baby dolls and even forced my cousins to act out giving birth to their imaginary inbred babies in my Granny's closet. I was fascinated by birth and pregnancy and couldn't wait till May 10, 2001 when I became a mom to a robot baby in the 8th grade. I spent months pouring over baby name books and borrowing baby clothes, and felt myself accomplished when I ended up with the infant programmed to have colic. I entered nursing school with the intent to pursue a career in labor and delivery and was completely devastated when I wasn't given a rotation in L&D during my maternity semester (The Lord is surely sovereign, isn't He?). I spent the first 2 1/2 years of our marriage trying to wear my husband down and get his consent to stop taking the dreaded birth control pills and have a baby of our own. I was convinced it would be easy and would happen with little fuss once those pills were out of my way. In November 2012, he finally agreed; I was going to be a MOM!
Imagine my surprise when everything came to a screeching halt once those pills were out of the equation. I'll spare you the details (ahem, you're welcome) and leave you with the fact that I haven't ovulated in over 6 months. It is 100% impossible (scientifically, anyway) to become pregnant if you have not ovulated (aka released an egg) for sperm to fertilize, thus I am childless.
I have spent hours upon hours doing research independently, and I've literally spent days in my bed sobbing at the thought of my life-long dream being shattered. This has without a doubt been a dark time in my life, and I've been hopeless, scared, bitter, angry, and downright depressed since March.
I have been to the gynecologist 4 times this year and taken well over 10 pregnancy tests "just in case." 3 of 4 of those visits consisted of my doctor informing me that I was stressed and needed to simply "calm down." Stress is NOT a diagnosis and should never be a diagnosis unless tests are performed to ensure there is no other etiology (cause) of illness/dysfunction in the body. Stress can be considered a contributing factor, as in I'm sure my stressful job didn't help me to ovulate, but it isn't a diagnosis. At appointment #3 I finally talked my doctor into 4 blood tests (all were normal), and I was told to return in 4 months. I instead returned in 2 months and saw another doctor, I know my body & I know this isn't normal.
Today I saw that second doctor and today I was asking for your prayers. I asked for your prayer because I simply needed to find someone who would listen and assess me appropriately. As a nurse I serve as my patients' primary advocate every day. I ask doctors for medications for those in pain, for new diets for patients who have been left NPO (nothing by mouth) for no reason, and for catheters when someone can't use the restroom. I am a patient advocate. Because of this I find it especially hurtful and maddening when I can't count on the staff at my doctor's office to do the same when I am the patient. While I attempt to serve as my own advocate I must admit that this is MUCH easier when wearing scrubs and a stethoscope than it is naked from the waste down covered by a paper drape! Today I brought my husband, my greatest advocate, but I was pleasantly surprised that I needed no advocate. My doctor spent 45 minutes with me today, and he listened!!
I still have no diagnosis, but today we established a plan of action. We are starting fertility medication in November. I will be taking progesterone to start a menstrual cycle and Femara to induce ovulation. Aside from a medical standpoint, I will always be using the power of prayer, and that's where you come in...pray with us and for us. This journey is not an easy one and it is not one that I had even considered taking, but here we are. Many couples struggle to survive when fertility brings difficulties, and I know loading up on synthetic hormones and the accompanying mood swings doesn't help. I'm not concerned about my marriage (I don't give Tyler enough credit for the overwhelming amount of love & support he provides me), but I do know how tough this can be. I ask that you join me in prayer for Little Lipsey because I have faith that he or she will exist and will be the most perfect thing I have ever laid my eyes on. I already love Little Lipsey so much I can hardly see straight and he or she is not even a mass of cells yet!!
I also seek prayer for the millions of other women like me out there who are struggling through this season of their lives. I don't know why society keeps infertility swept under the rug, or why it seems we're not supposed to talk about it. Infertility is a disease like any other, and can be as devastating as any other diagnosis one may receive. So talk about it! I don't intend to keep quiet (I hope this is painfully obvious by now), and I hope that at least in my little corner of the world we can begin to view infertility as something that is less taboo and more worthy of discussion.
I believe that's it for now. Thank you for your support and your prayers on our journey to parenthood!
XOXO,
Hannah
"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, "O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." 1 Samuel 1:10-11
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Things You Should Know Before Becoming a Student Nurse
Well, I haven't blogged in well over a year. I left you with all the enthusiasm a little student nurse could muster for her first clinical orientation. What I failed to do was follow-up with how terribly disappointing that orientation and the 3 days of clinicals that followed were. To say the least, that student nurse knew she wasn't bound for the nursing home...she thought she wanted to work in labor & delivery, and she knew she would not end up in the emergency room. She is now a registered nurse in an emergency room. My how things change.
I feel like I have SO much to blog about now that I'm on this side of nursing school and finally working, but after much (ok only a tiny bit when I woke up bleary-eyed at 0630 this morning) thought, I find it important to warn all the future nursing students and nurses-to-be out there, exactly what they're getting into. Therefore I bring you, the top 10 things you should know prior to becoming a student nurse:
1. You don't want to attend the school that allowed me to give myself my nursing degree. Yes, you read that right. Aside from skills, no one really taught me anything, so I read the books and studied and taught it all to myself. I feel like my personal blog may be an inappropriate place to discuss my complete disappointment with the school that I attended, so I have taken to writing letters to school officials instead. It won't do a lick of good, but I'll get to say my piece and it'll make me feel an ounce better. If you're curious about any of this you can let me know and I'll forward the letter I wrote along, which should explain everything.
2. Your life is about to be over for awhile. And I don't just mean while you're in school. I lost 1 1/2 years of husband-time I can never get back only to sign on for a 7p-7a shift which takes me away from him even more than school did. I love my job, but I love my husband more, and I miss that joker. For example I've had to pee for like 20 minutes, but I continue to lie in bed while he sleeps because I never get to do that anymore. Also he just kicked me. All to say your social life must end and your school life must become a priority. It is insanely time consuming, but if you're committed you'll make it through.
3. You're going to get fat. Nursing school is full of snack cakes, eating out, and hospital cafeteria food, not to mention the occasional all-night study session which requires a year's supply of coffee and doughnuts to stay awake through. On this side of nursing school, I flutter between 10 and 15 pounds more than I started. Ouch. Also your elastic-waist scrubs trick you into thinking you haven't gained all that weight because they still fit. Scrubs are a comfy pack of lies. Scrubs are awesome.
4. Scrubs are awesome. I absolutely can't say this enough. Not only are they insanely comfy, scrubs make other people think you are a totally legit medical professional who may one day save their lives, so they are nicer to you. They open doors for you, smile at you more, and almost everyone speaks to a lady in scrubs as if they think that, "Hi, how are you?" will you cause you to remember their faces and work a little harder when you're doing compressions on their chest someday. Scrubs are awesome.
5. Nursing students make everything inappropriate. It's a coping mechanism. In order to get through the long days talking about poo, snot, herpes, and the ever-present thought of the dying, we develop a twisted sense of humor which can turn a bed sore into a laugh. Actually that's a lie, a bed sore is never, ever a laughing matter. Most of the inappropriateness comes back to things that are sexual in nature (I never participated in these discussions, Mom, it was always everyone else), mostly because other nurses are the only people you feel comfortable asking, "was THAT normal??" As a general rule, the more perverse a pnemonic device, the easier it is to remember.
6. Nursing students do the grunt work. No one has ever said, "I can't wait to become a nurse so I can do bed baths and wipe booty," but that's exactly what the vast majority of your clinical days will consist of. We were told it was a contract between the nursing school and the clinical hospital that we used, but we spent much more time cleaning folks up than practicing the skills we would one day use to care for them. After awhile we got it down to a tag-team art where we would help each other complete baths, then go beg the nurses on the floor for any of the procedural things to be done that day. *It should be noted that I do consider bathing and booty wiping to be an integral part of patient care, and I don't begrudge doing it, however I bathe and booty wipe myself on the regular, and could've used that time gaining powerful skill practice*
7. All nurses are psych nurses. As a self-proclaimed crazy person, I was never the student who said, "I don't do crazies," which was a good thing because: A. that's super rude, insensitive, and inappropriate, and B. so-called crazy people (you know, like me) are everywhere. You will not only run into schizophrenic, bipolar, anxious patients within mental health facilities, you will have them in hospitals, nursing homes, private practices, and even as the school nurse. You WILL deal with mental health patients, at least once per day. So suck it up, buttercup, and learn how to use therapeutic communication, distraction, and just good old fashioned care for all kinds of people. It is now a part of your job description.
8. You will not feel prepared when pinning day comes around. It wouldn't matter if nursing school lasted 10 years instead of 2ish, there is no guarantee that you will do every skill with every type of patient prior to graduation. You will feel pretty darn good about giving injections and taking urine specimens, as well as the tried-and-true bed bath, but that's about it. When I graduated a month ago tomorrow, I had never inserted a female catheter, put in an NG tube, or successfully started an IV. I had never touched a child as a patient (*aside: ALWAYS check the pediatric program your school offers BEFORE you agree to attend) and I had never seen CPR on a person who wasn't made of plastic and foam. In one month of work I have gained experience with all of these things, but not without feeling like I needed to be wearing an adult diaper myself to get through it. It IS scary, but so much of nursing comes with experience, so try your best to let go of that Type A-Nurse personality and accept that you will NOT do it all perfectly when you first get out of school. In fact you will probably never do it perfectly.
9. Nursing is a sisterhood (and also a brotherhood for all the boys out there). When I started nursing school I was a competitive loser who wasn't going to let anybody get in the way of my graduation or 4.0. "Hilarious," said God, and he introduced me to Melinda, Ashley, Kaitlin, Taylor, Nicole, Brande, and Katrina, who became some of my best friends, and favorite people in the world. We lost a few along the way, but these ladies became my sisters, and surely the shoulders upon which I leaned. We started as classmates who annoyed each other (some have mentioned I had a touch of Type A Personality Disorder when we started, but that person is a bit of a narcissist anyway :)) and ended up as unexpected family members who consult each other on study help as well as, "OMG my poop was stage 2 today, what do you think that was?" We shared laughter, tears, and many an episode of Grey's Anatomy during this time, and I thank God EVERY DAY for bringing them into my life. We may not have been award winners to everybody else at pinning (!!) but we were to each other, and that's all that really matters to me.
10. You CAN do it. You just have to remind yourself every. single. day. So much of nursing is born in you (you can't teach compassion after all), and school work and skills are just details. It is hard, crazy hard, but if you cling tight to God and those who love you, you'll make it out on the other side like I did. And you'll feel like a rock star...until your first shift as a real nurse when you almost pee your pants at least 12 times then go home and wonder if you'll ever catch up to your preceptor. But you will, and it will be worth it.
The hubby is stirring so it's time for car shopping and spending the day together, but it's good to be back to the blog.
XOXO,
Hannah
I feel like I have SO much to blog about now that I'm on this side of nursing school and finally working, but after much (ok only a tiny bit when I woke up bleary-eyed at 0630 this morning) thought, I find it important to warn all the future nursing students and nurses-to-be out there, exactly what they're getting into. Therefore I bring you, the top 10 things you should know prior to becoming a student nurse:
1. You don't want to attend the school that allowed me to give myself my nursing degree. Yes, you read that right. Aside from skills, no one really taught me anything, so I read the books and studied and taught it all to myself. I feel like my personal blog may be an inappropriate place to discuss my complete disappointment with the school that I attended, so I have taken to writing letters to school officials instead. It won't do a lick of good, but I'll get to say my piece and it'll make me feel an ounce better. If you're curious about any of this you can let me know and I'll forward the letter I wrote along, which should explain everything.
2. Your life is about to be over for awhile. And I don't just mean while you're in school. I lost 1 1/2 years of husband-time I can never get back only to sign on for a 7p-7a shift which takes me away from him even more than school did. I love my job, but I love my husband more, and I miss that joker. For example I've had to pee for like 20 minutes, but I continue to lie in bed while he sleeps because I never get to do that anymore. Also he just kicked me. All to say your social life must end and your school life must become a priority. It is insanely time consuming, but if you're committed you'll make it through.
3. You're going to get fat. Nursing school is full of snack cakes, eating out, and hospital cafeteria food, not to mention the occasional all-night study session which requires a year's supply of coffee and doughnuts to stay awake through. On this side of nursing school, I flutter between 10 and 15 pounds more than I started. Ouch. Also your elastic-waist scrubs trick you into thinking you haven't gained all that weight because they still fit. Scrubs are a comfy pack of lies. Scrubs are awesome.
4. Scrubs are awesome. I absolutely can't say this enough. Not only are they insanely comfy, scrubs make other people think you are a totally legit medical professional who may one day save their lives, so they are nicer to you. They open doors for you, smile at you more, and almost everyone speaks to a lady in scrubs as if they think that, "Hi, how are you?" will you cause you to remember their faces and work a little harder when you're doing compressions on their chest someday. Scrubs are awesome.
5. Nursing students make everything inappropriate. It's a coping mechanism. In order to get through the long days talking about poo, snot, herpes, and the ever-present thought of the dying, we develop a twisted sense of humor which can turn a bed sore into a laugh. Actually that's a lie, a bed sore is never, ever a laughing matter. Most of the inappropriateness comes back to things that are sexual in nature (I never participated in these discussions, Mom, it was always everyone else), mostly because other nurses are the only people you feel comfortable asking, "was THAT normal??" As a general rule, the more perverse a pnemonic device, the easier it is to remember.
6. Nursing students do the grunt work. No one has ever said, "I can't wait to become a nurse so I can do bed baths and wipe booty," but that's exactly what the vast majority of your clinical days will consist of. We were told it was a contract between the nursing school and the clinical hospital that we used, but we spent much more time cleaning folks up than practicing the skills we would one day use to care for them. After awhile we got it down to a tag-team art where we would help each other complete baths, then go beg the nurses on the floor for any of the procedural things to be done that day. *It should be noted that I do consider bathing and booty wiping to be an integral part of patient care, and I don't begrudge doing it, however I bathe and booty wipe myself on the regular, and could've used that time gaining powerful skill practice*
7. All nurses are psych nurses. As a self-proclaimed crazy person, I was never the student who said, "I don't do crazies," which was a good thing because: A. that's super rude, insensitive, and inappropriate, and B. so-called crazy people (you know, like me) are everywhere. You will not only run into schizophrenic, bipolar, anxious patients within mental health facilities, you will have them in hospitals, nursing homes, private practices, and even as the school nurse. You WILL deal with mental health patients, at least once per day. So suck it up, buttercup, and learn how to use therapeutic communication, distraction, and just good old fashioned care for all kinds of people. It is now a part of your job description.
8. You will not feel prepared when pinning day comes around. It wouldn't matter if nursing school lasted 10 years instead of 2ish, there is no guarantee that you will do every skill with every type of patient prior to graduation. You will feel pretty darn good about giving injections and taking urine specimens, as well as the tried-and-true bed bath, but that's about it. When I graduated a month ago tomorrow, I had never inserted a female catheter, put in an NG tube, or successfully started an IV. I had never touched a child as a patient (*aside: ALWAYS check the pediatric program your school offers BEFORE you agree to attend) and I had never seen CPR on a person who wasn't made of plastic and foam. In one month of work I have gained experience with all of these things, but not without feeling like I needed to be wearing an adult diaper myself to get through it. It IS scary, but so much of nursing comes with experience, so try your best to let go of that Type A-Nurse personality and accept that you will NOT do it all perfectly when you first get out of school. In fact you will probably never do it perfectly.
9. Nursing is a sisterhood (and also a brotherhood for all the boys out there). When I started nursing school I was a competitive loser who wasn't going to let anybody get in the way of my graduation or 4.0. "Hilarious," said God, and he introduced me to Melinda, Ashley, Kaitlin, Taylor, Nicole, Brande, and Katrina, who became some of my best friends, and favorite people in the world. We lost a few along the way, but these ladies became my sisters, and surely the shoulders upon which I leaned. We started as classmates who annoyed each other (some have mentioned I had a touch of Type A Personality Disorder when we started, but that person is a bit of a narcissist anyway :)) and ended up as unexpected family members who consult each other on study help as well as, "OMG my poop was stage 2 today, what do you think that was?" We shared laughter, tears, and many an episode of Grey's Anatomy during this time, and I thank God EVERY DAY for bringing them into my life. We may not have been award winners to everybody else at pinning (!!) but we were to each other, and that's all that really matters to me.
10. You CAN do it. You just have to remind yourself every. single. day. So much of nursing is born in you (you can't teach compassion after all), and school work and skills are just details. It is hard, crazy hard, but if you cling tight to God and those who love you, you'll make it out on the other side like I did. And you'll feel like a rock star...until your first shift as a real nurse when you almost pee your pants at least 12 times then go home and wonder if you'll ever catch up to your preceptor. But you will, and it will be worth it.
The hubby is stirring so it's time for car shopping and spending the day together, but it's good to be back to the blog.
XOXO,
Hannah
Friday, October 28, 2011
Fill in the Blank Friday
So I've followed the blog The Little Things We Do for awhile now and she always does a fill in the blank Friday post...so here's mine.
6. The time I got into the biggest amount of trouble when I was a kid was when I I'm not sure, but I'm sure some of my blog friends could help me out. Most of the time I got in trouble for my smart mouth, but I never did anything too awful because I was scared of being in trouble. Except for once, when I was 15...haha. Mom and April will know what I'm referring to:)
Anyway, that's all I've got! Can't get blogger to take the underline off of the above paragraph (really irritating my OCD self, but I'll live).
Ooooh I almost forgot! Clinical orientation on Monday!! I'm sooooo excited to finally get to be a legit student nurse (how long have I waited for this day?!?!?) and help real live patients! We won't actually start on Monday, but at least I'll know where I'm going and who I'll be working with. SO EXCITED! I'll try to post a picture of myself looking awesome in my all-white scrubs and sweet white shoes:)
XOXO,
Hannah
1. When I was a kid I wanted to be a nurse when I grew up.
2. As an adult, my dream job would be a nurse (who knows what specialty) and a mama .
3. W hen I was younger I wanted to be just like my mom mostly, with Mary Kate & Ashley ranking right up there with her for a time .
4. The childhood Halloween costume that I remember most was when I was a smiley face. Mom covered 2 hula hoops with yellow fabric and put a smiley face on one of them, then connected them with ribbons on the top and sides...I thought I was SO cool, mainly because Mom made it. The unfortunate thing is that you can't sit down as a smiley face so I had to take it off everytime I got back in the car to go trick or treat at the next house .
5. My favorite childhood toy was Arnold the African American Gerber baby. He's still my favorite toy and he terrifies all who meet him...mainly because he's missing a finger and his eyes turn two different directions.
6. The time I got into the biggest amount of trouble when I was a kid was when I I'm not sure, but I'm sure some of my blog friends could help me out. Most of the time I got in trouble for my smart mouth, but I never did anything too awful because I was scared of being in trouble. Except for once, when I was 15...haha. Mom and April will know what I'm referring to:)
7. I get daily inspiration from oh please like I have time to be inspired daily...nursing textbooks? Half the time I dress like a man and I haven't shaved my legs in like 3 wks. But I do sometimes get inspiration on Saturdays from pinterest and bloggers. I'm also inspired by my tiny dancers every Wednesday.
Just as a side note, it was Halloween costume week at dance (AHHHHH!) and in my class I had a ballerina, a witch/spider bride, a witch, a vampire, and a Mexican. Complete with sombrero and and poncho and penciled-on moustache...completely unable to dance in all that gear. A lot of the kids forgot so they weren't dressed up. I was (big shock) a nurse...can't argue with a ready-made costume. My kids thought I was a "real doctor" and when I told them I was going to be a "real nurse" they were disappointed. One shouted, "DONT BE A NURSE BE A DOCTOR! DOCTORS ARE BETTER THAN NURSES!" Her mom's a nurse. I spent a significant portion of time trying to explain how awesome nurses are, but they didn't buy it. Oh well.
Anyway, that's all I've got! Can't get blogger to take the underline off of the above paragraph (really irritating my OCD self, but I'll live).
Ooooh I almost forgot! Clinical orientation on Monday!! I'm sooooo excited to finally get to be a legit student nurse (how long have I waited for this day?!?!?) and help real live patients! We won't actually start on Monday, but at least I'll know where I'm going and who I'll be working with. SO EXCITED! I'll try to post a picture of myself looking awesome in my all-white scrubs and sweet white shoes:)
XOXO,
Hannah
Monday, October 24, 2011
Yes it's breast cancer awareness month
...but it's also domestic violence awareness month and I wish we hyped it as much. Instead, we tend to brush it under the rug and look at it as a topic that should be taken care of within the privacy of the home...like it's nobody else's business. But people don't "just know" about the warning signs of domestic violence. We don't teach them at school or pass out brochures and we certainly don't just talk about it among friends. It's a hush-hush topic and we all assume that if somebody's being abused they'll know it and run off and get help. That is rarely, if ever, the case.
I've shared my story before so I won't go into the lengthy description of what constitutes an abusive boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/significant other/lover/yougetthepoint. What I'll get into is that I had no idea that my ex-boyfriend was abusing me. None. He didn't hit me (when I first figured it out) and he didn't force me to have sex with him (quite the opposite, but that's neither here nor there), so I assumed everything was normal...or normal enough anyway.
By the grace of God I found myself trying to switch majors (for the 6th or 7th time), and ended up in 2 summer classes: Women's Health Issues and Psychology of Women. Coincidentally/by the grace of God (again), both were covering abuse issues at the same time. While in Women's Health my teacher put up a list similar to this one: list of abuse warning signs (scroll down the warning signs are about 1/4 of the way down the page) and I shook my head in horror as I realized I could say yes to nearly every single item on the list. Yes, I was scared of him. Yes, I was numb as all get out (I didn't cry for almost a year during and after this abuse/relationship). Yes, I felt like it was my fault. Yes, he threatened to out himself if I left. Yes, I was constantly humiliated. YES YES YES. There were tears in my eyes and I knew I was in an abusive relationship...but what now?
I reached out to my psych teacher asking her how someone would get out of a relationship like this one and if that person could ever recover, but she never responded. I continued to be lost.
I went on to stay with him for 3 more long months, after which he stalked me and refused to go away, tricked those who were close to me and got them to tell him where I was. I went into hiding and stayed with a dear friend who eventually helped me to feel safe.
Healing was hard, but figuring it all out and piecing it together was harder. I had no clue this was happening to me. So, in honor of domestic violence awareness month, tell somebody. Write a blog post. Put the link on facebook. Send it out to everybody in your address book. Do whatever you have to do because you could save somebody's life.
I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't taken the class that opened my eyes to the scary life I'd been living. So share it. Talk about it. Somebody needs you. Save them from the giant, empty pit of absolute hopelessness they're living in.
XOXO,
Hannah
**Disclaimer: Please do not walk up to your friend and start shouting in their face that you know their significant other is abusing them. People do not take this well and they could go home and tell him/her, which could make the situation worse. No one is going to leave because you think they should, trust me on that, all you can do is give them the resources that will open their own eyes so they can make this important decision for themselves. Prayer goes a looooong way too, just ask my friend Tiffany who spent many nights praying for and with me.
I've shared my story before so I won't go into the lengthy description of what constitutes an abusive boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/significant other/lover/yougetthepoint. What I'll get into is that I had no idea that my ex-boyfriend was abusing me. None. He didn't hit me (when I first figured it out) and he didn't force me to have sex with him (quite the opposite, but that's neither here nor there), so I assumed everything was normal...or normal enough anyway.
By the grace of God I found myself trying to switch majors (for the 6th or 7th time), and ended up in 2 summer classes: Women's Health Issues and Psychology of Women. Coincidentally/by the grace of God (again), both were covering abuse issues at the same time. While in Women's Health my teacher put up a list similar to this one: list of abuse warning signs (scroll down the warning signs are about 1/4 of the way down the page) and I shook my head in horror as I realized I could say yes to nearly every single item on the list. Yes, I was scared of him. Yes, I was numb as all get out (I didn't cry for almost a year during and after this abuse/relationship). Yes, I felt like it was my fault. Yes, he threatened to out himself if I left. Yes, I was constantly humiliated. YES YES YES. There were tears in my eyes and I knew I was in an abusive relationship...but what now?
I reached out to my psych teacher asking her how someone would get out of a relationship like this one and if that person could ever recover, but she never responded. I continued to be lost.
I went on to stay with him for 3 more long months, after which he stalked me and refused to go away, tricked those who were close to me and got them to tell him where I was. I went into hiding and stayed with a dear friend who eventually helped me to feel safe.
Healing was hard, but figuring it all out and piecing it together was harder. I had no clue this was happening to me. So, in honor of domestic violence awareness month, tell somebody. Write a blog post. Put the link on facebook. Send it out to everybody in your address book. Do whatever you have to do because you could save somebody's life.
I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't taken the class that opened my eyes to the scary life I'd been living. So share it. Talk about it. Somebody needs you. Save them from the giant, empty pit of absolute hopelessness they're living in.
XOXO,
Hannah
**Disclaimer: Please do not walk up to your friend and start shouting in their face that you know their significant other is abusing them. People do not take this well and they could go home and tell him/her, which could make the situation worse. No one is going to leave because you think they should, trust me on that, all you can do is give them the resources that will open their own eyes so they can make this important decision for themselves. Prayer goes a looooong way too, just ask my friend Tiffany who spent many nights praying for and with me.
Friday, September 30, 2011
25 Years Ago
Greetings, friends! I wanted to make you aware of a reason to celebrate (read: eat cake). 25 years ago today, my dear sweet mother went to the doctor and received confirmation that she was pregnant! So Happy Confirmed Conception Day to me! Now go enjoy some dessert, because I surely will!
XOXO,
Hannah
XOXO,
Hannah
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Plateau
What an ugly word. I had to spell check it three different places to make sure I wasn't wrong. My weightloss/diet has plateaud. And its really rubbing me the wrong way. My hormones have also been kind of a trainwreck so other things have also been rubbing me the wrong way. And despite the fact that I'm actually in a good mood right now, I'd love to share these things with you in a list because lists do not and will not rub me the wrong way.
Angry and Annoying Things September 25, 2011
1. People asking me when I'm going to reproduce. If you were around me 24/7 you'd probably find yourself asking me not to reproduce instead. I am selfish and moody and in no way ready to care for a tiny human. Sometimes I get all oooh and ahhh because babies are (typically) really cute, but if there's anything I can do about it there will be no ooohs or ahhhs or other annoying coo sounds pointed in my direction anytime soon. For example, right now I think pregnancy sounds awesome because I'm dieting and I think pregnancy is a good reason to get fat...plus I'm weird/creepy and have always been obsessed over the anatomical happenings involved in making a kid. End rant.
2. Procrastinating. I thought it would be different this time around but I'm blogging instead of studying for Tuesday's test so we all know better, don't we? End rant.
3. People giving up, specifically on their health and living life in general. You are not dead yet, at least if you're reading this. If you're reading and are dead, please leave a comment so that I may call myself a psychic medium and get a show on TLC (If this happens I might recant #1 because I'll probably have a kid to boost ratings...the profit from my show would probably pay for said kid's therapy down the road, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it). I digress. I have seen so many folks just accepting their fate and I feel this is completely unreasonable. FIGHT. You can best believe I won't go down without kicking and screaming and possibly losing a few organs in the process. HEALTH PROMOTION PEOPLE! If you know you're prone to heart disease, put down the freakin Big Mac, don't just say "well my daddy and his daddy and his daddy all had heart attacks at 59, so I probably don't have much longer." I felt this way before school, but now that I'm aware of what a huge part of nursing health promotion is, you can best believe I will be cramming it down your throat. You can thank me when you die at 102 and start talking to me through my blog. End rant.
4. The death penalty. I'm pissed that we killed a man this week because there was reasonable doubt (judging from what I've heard/read/watched, I know I'm no expert please don't start throwing legal jargon at me) about whether or not he even did it. However, I'd be pissed even if he admitted it and had DNA all over the place and all the other things that would take away said reasonable doubt. Call me a flaming liberal if you want, but I do not believe in nor agree with the death penalty. I find it barbaric and ridiculous. I would rather them take part of my hard-earned money (this isn't true at the moment, I'm unemployed but the fact remains) to pay for all of these criminals to be in jail for life than to "humanely" kill a person with lethal injection. If it were me I'd suffer more by having to remember and relive a crime everyday in my jail cell than if you gave me the easy way out and put me to death. Of course I don't have a criminal mind, but I do feel bad for days for tiny, insignificant things I do wrong...like hoping a fellow student fails out because I wouldn't trust her to take care of my sickly family member. Can we please not kill people anymore? Feel free to hate on me and leave commentary about how much you agree with killing people in the comment section...I like hearing perspectives. End rant.
5. Not making your wishes known. I was talking to a friend who knows someone with a spouse on hospice that refuses to accept their death or tell their spouse what they want to happen with their body/money/possessions/etc when they pass on. This isn't fair folks. It adds more burden to the person left behind because not only are they sad and missing you, they have to figure out what you PROBABLY (no confirmation here) wanted done with your body. RUDE. I know its not fun to think about and my mom is probably shaking her head and calling me negative as she reads this, but this is important. So, witnesses young and old and possibly dead (see point #3) here are my post-mortem wishes: If possible, donate all of my organs. Skin me, take out my eyeballs, take it all as long as somebody else can use it. If I can't help people live, donate me to science. Let some future doctors cut me apart to learn anatomy so they can save somebody later. I don't care where my body goes when donated as long as you don't send me to the University of Tennessee. I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE and it has nothing to do with how much I truly hate that ugly orange and the volunteers. Their lab is a decomposition lab and I don't want that. Cut me apart but don't let me decompose in the woods....mainly because I don't want snakes around. I've heard science is picky so if I'm too messed up for them, cremate me and scatter me somewhere and be done with it. No sad funeral videos or my dead body laid out in a casket and no idiots talking about how good and peaceful my dead self looks. If you want a memorial that's fine, do it in Chatsworth because I don't have enough people here to come, and please play Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. I'm serious, don't sob. I'll be rejoicing with the Lord and I won't really care where you put my body in a box in the ground. Honor my wishes or I'll haunt you. End rant.
6. Kids that look/act/talk/dress like they're grown. Mainly girls. Dress your babies like they're babies and not like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! This is why I want boy spawn and instead of girl. Girls start rolling their t-shirts up to show their bellies when they're like 6 these days and boys wear polo shirts and khakis from the time they're born til they're in the nursing home! So much easier! Let the kids be kids until they can't be anymore or they'll regret it when they're older and probably hold it against you. Hubby and I think that perhaps television is to be blamed for certain adult-like behaviors so we cut off our cable...not true, we cut off our cable because we don't like paying for it when we only watch 1 hour a week, but we are elders at heart and blame it on TV and that darn rap music. I am 99% sure Tyler will shake his head here when he reads this. Let kids be kids and wear clothing that makes them look their age! End rant.
7. Diet plateaus. If I'm working just as hard to eat crappy food (ok not crappy but subpar) then I should still be losing weight. Skinny is good, but I would really like to be skinnier. If I keep not losing I'll start eating like fatty patty again and all of my "hard work" will be in vain. End rant.
I'm pretty sure that I faced more annoying things this week, but I'm tired and 3 episodes away from finishing the LOST series so I must go spend time with Tyler, Desmond (my favorite character if you're curious), and the gang. Hope you're not offended by my rants and if you are that you leave me a comment!
XOXO,
Hannah the potential flaming liberal/psychic medium
Angry and Annoying Things September 25, 2011
1. People asking me when I'm going to reproduce. If you were around me 24/7 you'd probably find yourself asking me not to reproduce instead. I am selfish and moody and in no way ready to care for a tiny human. Sometimes I get all oooh and ahhh because babies are (typically) really cute, but if there's anything I can do about it there will be no ooohs or ahhhs or other annoying coo sounds pointed in my direction anytime soon. For example, right now I think pregnancy sounds awesome because I'm dieting and I think pregnancy is a good reason to get fat...plus I'm weird/creepy and have always been obsessed over the anatomical happenings involved in making a kid. End rant.
2. Procrastinating. I thought it would be different this time around but I'm blogging instead of studying for Tuesday's test so we all know better, don't we? End rant.
3. People giving up, specifically on their health and living life in general. You are not dead yet, at least if you're reading this. If you're reading and are dead, please leave a comment so that I may call myself a psychic medium and get a show on TLC (If this happens I might recant #1 because I'll probably have a kid to boost ratings...the profit from my show would probably pay for said kid's therapy down the road, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it). I digress. I have seen so many folks just accepting their fate and I feel this is completely unreasonable. FIGHT. You can best believe I won't go down without kicking and screaming and possibly losing a few organs in the process. HEALTH PROMOTION PEOPLE! If you know you're prone to heart disease, put down the freakin Big Mac, don't just say "well my daddy and his daddy and his daddy all had heart attacks at 59, so I probably don't have much longer." I felt this way before school, but now that I'm aware of what a huge part of nursing health promotion is, you can best believe I will be cramming it down your throat. You can thank me when you die at 102 and start talking to me through my blog. End rant.
4. The death penalty. I'm pissed that we killed a man this week because there was reasonable doubt (judging from what I've heard/read/watched, I know I'm no expert please don't start throwing legal jargon at me) about whether or not he even did it. However, I'd be pissed even if he admitted it and had DNA all over the place and all the other things that would take away said reasonable doubt. Call me a flaming liberal if you want, but I do not believe in nor agree with the death penalty. I find it barbaric and ridiculous. I would rather them take part of my hard-earned money (this isn't true at the moment, I'm unemployed but the fact remains) to pay for all of these criminals to be in jail for life than to "humanely" kill a person with lethal injection. If it were me I'd suffer more by having to remember and relive a crime everyday in my jail cell than if you gave me the easy way out and put me to death. Of course I don't have a criminal mind, but I do feel bad for days for tiny, insignificant things I do wrong...like hoping a fellow student fails out because I wouldn't trust her to take care of my sickly family member. Can we please not kill people anymore? Feel free to hate on me and leave commentary about how much you agree with killing people in the comment section...I like hearing perspectives. End rant.
5. Not making your wishes known. I was talking to a friend who knows someone with a spouse on hospice that refuses to accept their death or tell their spouse what they want to happen with their body/money/possessions/etc when they pass on. This isn't fair folks. It adds more burden to the person left behind because not only are they sad and missing you, they have to figure out what you PROBABLY (no confirmation here) wanted done with your body. RUDE. I know its not fun to think about and my mom is probably shaking her head and calling me negative as she reads this, but this is important. So, witnesses young and old and possibly dead (see point #3) here are my post-mortem wishes: If possible, donate all of my organs. Skin me, take out my eyeballs, take it all as long as somebody else can use it. If I can't help people live, donate me to science. Let some future doctors cut me apart to learn anatomy so they can save somebody later. I don't care where my body goes when donated as long as you don't send me to the University of Tennessee. I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE and it has nothing to do with how much I truly hate that ugly orange and the volunteers. Their lab is a decomposition lab and I don't want that. Cut me apart but don't let me decompose in the woods....mainly because I don't want snakes around. I've heard science is picky so if I'm too messed up for them, cremate me and scatter me somewhere and be done with it. No sad funeral videos or my dead body laid out in a casket and no idiots talking about how good and peaceful my dead self looks. If you want a memorial that's fine, do it in Chatsworth because I don't have enough people here to come, and please play Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. I'm serious, don't sob. I'll be rejoicing with the Lord and I won't really care where you put my body in a box in the ground. Honor my wishes or I'll haunt you. End rant.
6. Kids that look/act/talk/dress like they're grown. Mainly girls. Dress your babies like they're babies and not like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! This is why I want boy spawn and instead of girl. Girls start rolling their t-shirts up to show their bellies when they're like 6 these days and boys wear polo shirts and khakis from the time they're born til they're in the nursing home! So much easier! Let the kids be kids until they can't be anymore or they'll regret it when they're older and probably hold it against you. Hubby and I think that perhaps television is to be blamed for certain adult-like behaviors so we cut off our cable...not true, we cut off our cable because we don't like paying for it when we only watch 1 hour a week, but we are elders at heart and blame it on TV and that darn rap music. I am 99% sure Tyler will shake his head here when he reads this. Let kids be kids and wear clothing that makes them look their age! End rant.
7. Diet plateaus. If I'm working just as hard to eat crappy food (ok not crappy but subpar) then I should still be losing weight. Skinny is good, but I would really like to be skinnier. If I keep not losing I'll start eating like fatty patty again and all of my "hard work" will be in vain. End rant.
I'm pretty sure that I faced more annoying things this week, but I'm tired and 3 episodes away from finishing the LOST series so I must go spend time with Tyler, Desmond (my favorite character if you're curious), and the gang. Hope you're not offended by my rants and if you are that you leave me a comment!
XOXO,
Hannah the potential flaming liberal/psychic medium
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Not A Lot to Say
Actually, just not a lot of time to say anything. But we went home to see the fam and for Tabitha's baby shower last weekend and I have pictures to post. This is also a prompt for Tabitha/Lindsey to post pictures from said event because I no longer have facebook and I haven't seen any other than my own...and I only took a few.
First, a tiny celebration dance because I made A's on all three of my tests Thursday!! YES! I was seriously stressing, so this brought on a mountain of relief and allowed me to enjoy my weekend away.
Also, my dear friend Jami Lyn accompanied me on my visit home which made it much more enjoyable...for me, at least. Of course, who really enjoys a nearly 12 hour round trip drive? She did have a good time once we got up to Chatsworth though, and since that was the bulk of the trip I guess it was a good one. We also did a teensy bit of shopping (because it was 90 here in Tville and 66 when we got to Chatsworth and we didn't have sub-arctic appropriate clothing) and spending money is always fun in my book.
So, without further time wasting, pictures from the weekend:
Well, that's it in a nutshell, all of the pictures I took at the shower. I do think it went VERY well--props to Tab, Lindsey and Cindi for that--and its quite easy to see that Baby Rayne (though I prefer to call her Fetus Rayne since that is what she technically is at the moment) is incredibly loved already! Congratulations Tabitha! (and Ed)
Side note: If one more person tells or asks me if I'm next, I'll probably blow up. Mainly because if I am next it will be an act of the Lord, the only one who can counteract my preventative measures. I'm working very hard to be the oldest mother at the preschool, thank you very much!
XOXO,
Hannah
First, a tiny celebration dance because I made A's on all three of my tests Thursday!! YES! I was seriously stressing, so this brought on a mountain of relief and allowed me to enjoy my weekend away.
Also, my dear friend Jami Lyn accompanied me on my visit home which made it much more enjoyable...for me, at least. Of course, who really enjoys a nearly 12 hour round trip drive? She did have a good time once we got up to Chatsworth though, and since that was the bulk of the trip I guess it was a good one. We also did a teensy bit of shopping (because it was 90 here in Tville and 66 when we got to Chatsworth and we didn't have sub-arctic appropriate clothing) and spending money is always fun in my book.
So, without further time wasting, pictures from the weekend:
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| Jami Lyn and I playing in Hobby Lobby. Not sure why this is the ONLY picture of us from the whole weekend. |
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| Annie and I point to fetus Rayne. |
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| All hands on deck! I find it remarkable that I can hide that much of my body behind Tab's--yay pregnancy! |
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| Lindsey, mommy times 2! I have no idea how she does it, I'm lucky to take care of my 24-year-old self. |
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| I still can't believe this is real life! I feel like we just started driving and BAM! Tabitha is a mom! |
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| Mom wanted a picture of the first time Tabitha's belly has ever been bigger than her's. |
Side note: If one more person tells or asks me if I'm next, I'll probably blow up. Mainly because if I am next it will be an act of the Lord, the only one who can counteract my preventative measures. I'm working very hard to be the oldest mother at the preschool, thank you very much!
XOXO,
Hannah
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